A Slow Melding
by Flatkatsi
Summary: A friendship gradually develops where it's least expected. JackOther.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHORS' NOTES: It's frightening what can happen when two writers finally meet face to face. No apologies are being offered. Read at your own risk.

This is a story jointly written by Eleri McCleod and Flatkatsi. Eleri has many of her own fine fics archived on this site, both Jack/Sam ship and non pairing stories - you should go read them - Flatkatsi

* * *

A Slow Melding - Part 1

* * *

I cannot believe you did that. What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all? 

Freya mentally cringed as Anise's voice reverberated through her skull. She would have preferred to forget the whole incident but that was an impossibility given the partnership with her symbiote. She did not need to force her feet to move down the corridor, the instinct to flee uppermost in her mind. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the guard at Colonel O'Neill's door look her over, feet to head, in a way that normally would not have given her a moment's concern. She was shocked to feel a flush creep up her neck, the first blush she had experienced since becoming a Tok'ra.

You see? I am not the only one that finds your actions embarrassing.

Continuing down the corridor, Freya's feet moved just a little quicker to escape the eyes watching from behind. Unfortunately she could not escape Anise's voice inside her head.

I do not understand your fascination with that man. He is an uncouth bore of very low intelligence.

"Shut. Up."

The emphatic words were startlingly loud in the silence of the corridor, so loud that both host and symbiote stopped their internal bickering and for one stunned moment froze. The sound of approaching footsteps had them moving again. Her eyes darted frantically around for an exit route and latched onto an open doorway leading to an empty room to her left. She closed the door behind her with one quick motion, sinking onto the bed positioned against the wall and burying her face in her hands. For the first time she could remember in countless years, her mind was completely blank.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jack felt as if he were a bug stuck on a windshield as he watched the blond Tok'ra's figure recede down the corridor. Yep, really liked the package. But eew. There was something really wrong with what had just happened. Really, really wrong.

Although there was something a little bit right about it too. Just a tiny bit.

His lips began to creep up in the smallest of smiles, quickly concealed when the SF at his door turned and caught his eye once more. Giving the younger man his best I'm-the-colonel-and-don't-you-forget-it glare in response to the obvious innuendo in his smirk, Jack retreated to the other side of the room. Picking up his discarded yo-yo, he absently twirled the string around the small toy and tossed it out. He caught it with a practiced motion as his mind cycled through the events of the past few minutes.

To say he was stunned would be an understatement. In the midst of all the other far more serious issues surrounding them, he really didn't need this added complication.

From the first moment he saw her, he knew that woman was going to be trouble. And, man, had he been proven correct.

The yo-yo leapt outwards once more and snapped back into his waiting hand.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Have you managed to make contact with the Tau'ri homeworld?" Anise frowned as the communications officer seated at the console shook his head. She did not understand why Freya was so concerned. As far as Anise could see the lack of communication with Earth was nothing more than an annoyance. There had been times over the previous three months when she would have liked to have consulted with the scientists at the SGC, but none of the issues had been of critical importance. Freya's almost continual badgering was beginning to wear on her nerves.

A tiny voice in the back of her mind whispered a brief thanks before sinking again into what Anise recognized as yet another despondent period of silence.

Even though at times Freya could be irritating in an annoyingly human fashion, Anise still found her host's presence comforting in an odd way. Freya's gradual withdrawal over the past few weeks had left the Tok'ra feeling slightly empty. She had hoped that visiting the communications station would have had a positive effect. Instead it had done worse than nothing, sending Freya even farther away than before.

A flare of irritation erupted in her. Damn that Jack O'Neill. This was all his fault. It was not like she was pining over Dr. Jackson, was it? Now there was a far more appropriate candidate for a Tok'ra's affection. Intelligent, well-educated and capable of stringing words of more than two syllables together to form a coherent sentence. Admittedly, Colonel O'Neill had a certain air about him and his people seemed to respect his leadership abilities, but that was as far as it went. He was in no way suitable to be mate to a Tok'ra's host.

She ignored Freya's sudden objections to her thoughts, turning on her heel and confidently striding back to her laboratory. She had more important things to do with her time than concern herself with the mystery of the SGC's silence. Perhaps the work waiting in the lab would help focus her host's mind back where it needed to be.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

"Unscheduled incoming wormhole."

From his seat at the Officer of the Day's desk, Jack looked over to Technical Sergeant Harriman at the main console. "Any I.D.?"

There was a slight hesitation before the sergeant nodded. "It's the Tok'ra, sir."

"I suppose we should open the iris, shouldn't we?"

Walter's grin was quickly concealed. "Yes, sir. I'm fairly sure General Hammond would think it was a good idea."

Waving magnanimously toward the iris palm recognition pad, Jack let his own smile loose. "Make it so, Walter."

The event horizon kawooshed outwards and then subsided, leaving the way clear for a lone figure to materialize at the top of the ramp. Jack's smile reshaped itself into a grimace.

Oh crap.

Of all the people he didn't want to see, she was close to the top of the list, just behind Apophis and Senator Kinsey. He'd done his best to forget their uncomfortable incident during the zatarc mess, despite a few surprisingly erotic nightmares he'd experienced since then.

As Anise walked down the ramp, Jack had to admit to himself a twinge of disappointment that had nothing to do with her presence and everything to do with her appearance. Nowhere in sight was the skin-tight leather nor the midriff baring ensembles. Instead she wore a simple sleeveless tunic over plain trousers, all in the subdued earthy tones the Tok'ra seemed to favor.

Shaking himself out of his unprofessional thoughts, he bent over the microphone. "To what do we owe the pleasure, Anise?"

A smile lit up the Tok'ra's face. "It is a pleasure to see you safe and well, Colonel O'Neill," Freya replied. "It is the report of your experiences during the recent time loops that has brought us here."

"Then you're here to see Major Carter. I'll have someone escort you to her."

Anise's echoing tones took up the conversation. "Thank you, Colonel. We appreciate your cooperation."

One quick gesture from Jack to Walter had the blast doors sliding open, allowing the Tok'ra to exit the 'Gate Room. "Airman Rodriguez, would you escort our visitor to Major Carter's lab."

As the two figures disappeared, he breathed a sigh of relief. Dodged that bullet, didn't you, Jack.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You knew I was worried about the colonel. Why did you not give me the chance to speak with him properly when we first arrived?

It was obvious he was well. What more did you need to inquire?

Freya did not bother to argue. She simply stared down from the briefing room at the Stargate beneath her. Anise knew how she felt about Colonel O'Neill. There was no point in subterfuge. They were two minds in one body each knowing intimately how the other felt. She could not hide it nor should she have to.

Freya made her intentions clear with a few simple words. You got what you came here for. Now it is my turn.

Anise's response was immediate. I have nothing more to say. If you insist on perusing this foolish matter, know you are acting without my agreement.

The image of Anise crossing her arms, stamping her foot and turning her back was clear in Freya's mind. This was the first serious disagreement in their many years of partnership. But they were so diametrically opposed Freya feared they would never find common ground.

"I didn't realize you and Carter were finished."

She turned at the sound of Colonel O'Neill's voice to see him clasp his hands and rub them together in the appearance of glee.

"So I guess you'll be going now?"

Her stomach clenched at his obvious enthusiasm. Perhaps Anise was right. Perhaps all her hopes were foolish. "I was hoping to speak with you before I departed. I feel I need to once again apologize for the way I acted toward you the last time I was here. I have the impression you still feel uncomfortable in my presence and I wanted to assure you there is no reason to be so."

There was a flash of something indiscernible in his eyes as he hesitated before speaking. "A little discomfort isn't necessarily a bad thing."

If she did not know any better, Freya would have sworn she heard a huff from Anise. Suddenly the tension she felt disappeared and she smiled.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

"It does not matter how much you argue, Colonel, you cannot justify your actions."

Jack thumped his fist on the console. The rage he felt seethed just below the surface, but a movement from General Hammond had him reining in his temper. "I don't need to justify anything to you," he stated coldly, purposefully stressing the pronoun.

"What is it exactly you were wanting from us, Anise?" Hammond interrupted in a matter-of-fact tone. "We sent you our report on the mission to P3X-888 as you requested. There really isn't anything further to add to it."

"I disagree, General." The Tok'ra's multi-layered voice came clearly through the radio waves. "We have lost an opportunity. One we will probably never have again. The chance to research the interaction of a primitive symbiote with its host would have been invaluable. Colonel O'Neill's actions were precipitous in the extreme. The Council wishes to lodge a formal complaint."

"Lodge away," Jack snarled, speaking before Hammond could react. Who the hell was she to second-guess his decisions in the field? She hadn't been there. While she had been safe and secure in her little lab, he'd been fighting for his life and to protect those with him. It wasn't as if he'd woken up that morning and decided to kill Daniel's friend. The choice had been taken from him when Rothman had grabbed the staff weapon from Teal'c. He'd only had a split second in which to act and he was certain he'd done the only thing possible.

Hammond's eyes bored into the side of his head. "Colonel."

Nothing more needed to be said. Jack understood the admonishment for what it was. Backing away from the microphone, he leaned back in his chair, content to allow his superior to handle the issue.

The two voices intermingled and became background noise. He found himself actually wishing that it was Freya who had called rather than Anise. At least Freya would probably have been more understanding. She was human, for all intents and purposes. Wasn't she?

As the debate continued around him, he thought about the last time he'd spoken with Freya. There had been something there. A certain something about her smile had made him forget momentarily that she had a snake in her head. The very same snake who was doing her best to slither her way into his affairs now. It was a pity they came as a packaged deal. He drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair, irritation once again beginning to rise within him.

"Are we in agreement?"

The general's terse words pulled him back into the conversation. They had reached an agreement? Maybe he should be taking more notice of what was being said.

"We are. We shall leave the disciplining of Colonel O'Neill in your hands, General."

Disciplining? Just what had he missed? A raised hand signaled him to keep his mouth shut, giving him the distinct impression he really didn't have anything to worry about. After a few concluding conciliatory remarks from Hammond, Jack expected the communication to end. But to his surprise the purely human voice of Freya sounded over the speakers.

"I understand Dr. Rothman was a friend of Dr. Jackson's. Please convey my sympathy to both Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill."

Taken aback, Jack looked up to catch an uncharacteristic look of devilry from Hammond. "Since Colonel O'Neill's right here I'll let you tell him yourself. Unfortunately, I have a meeting I'm about to be late for." He was already pushing his chair back as he spoke.

Jack scrawled a hasty note on the pad of paper next to the keyboard and held it up for the general's inspection. Only grinning in reply to the boldly underlined 'thanks' followed by several exclamation marks, Hammond headed up the stairs.

"Colonel? Are you there?"

"Yes. I'm here." He had to take his punishment like a man. At least Anise seemed content to let her host speak.

Freya continued. "As I was expressing to General Hammond, I wanted to tell you I was sorry to hear of the loss of yet another of your colleagues."

Jack's irritation began to melt. She was sincere. Anise's cold, clinical anger had been replaced by a warmth he had come to associate with the more gentle Freya. "Thanks." The single word didn't seem enough, but what else could he say? There was silence. Not an uncomfortable one, he was surprised to realize. Rather it was a silence of understanding which he found himself breaking. "I'll pass your message on to Daniel. I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

"The report said the Unas treated Dr. Jackson a little roughly, though he only sustained minor cuts and bruises. Were you injured in any way?"

Glancing around, the only person Jack saw was Walter, seemingly fully occupied with some equipment on the opposite side of the control room. Jack still found himself lowering his voice. "I'm fine. Not a scratch."

"It is never easy to take a life, Colonel O'Neill, even when there is no choice in the matter."

Jack nodded, then remembered Freya couldn't see the motion. The burden of responsibility was a heavy weight to carry, something even some of his own people didn't seem to appreciate. Uncomfortable silences and sideways glances were the order of the day whenever he walked into some labs since Rothman's death. He rubbed one hand over his face, realizing just how weary he was. As he thought about Freya's simple words of comfort, he leaned even further into the microphone. "No, it never is." Once again the silence was a comfortable one.

"Sir," Walter said from across the room, interrupting the moment. "You've got a team leader brief in five minutes."

"Then I shall bid you farewell, Colonel." Freya had obviously heard the sergeant's remarks. "It was good to hear your voice, even under these circumstances."

"It was good to hear yours too, Freya." And that wasn't a lie. It had been good. As he shut down the Stargate, ending the conversation, Jack found the weight of his decision felt a little lighter than it had.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

A Slow Melding - Part 2

* * *

"But you admitted yourself, Dr. Jackson, that the full circumstances haven't been made completely clear," Hammond said, flipping pages of the file in front of him. "We need to know as much as possible about the technology Administrator Calder used to replace your memories. This incident may, heaven forbid, have far reaching consequences we could never foresee. We don't know what information he may have been able to access while you and the other members of SG-1 were under his influence."

Jack knew by Daniel's expression his teammate didn't like the answer, but was clearly unwilling to argue the point with the general.

Daniel nodded reluctantly. "Yes, I understand that, General. It's just seems like every time we've worked with the Tok'ra lately it's caused more problems than it's worth. Surely there's someone else we could contact?"

Restraining a small smile at the slightly desperate tone, Jack decided to put in his two cents. "Come on, Daniel, aren't you overreacting?" There was a stunned silence. Jack looked around the table to see every face holding an identical expression of disbelief. "What?"

"Are you all right, sir?" Carter asked, her tone careful.

What was the problem? He mentally reviewed his last words. Crap! Had he really said that? "I mean, weren't they pretty helpful with that Ancient time thingy?" Even he knew it was thin.

"Yes, Jack, but what about the armbands?"

"You yourself must agree, O'Neill," Teal'c interjected, "the zatarc incident was-"

"Fairly interesting," Fraiser interrupted with a sidelong glance at Carter. "I have to agree with Colonel O'Neill. We need to know exactly what was done to SG-1 and the Tok'ra are the closest we have to experts in the subject of memory manipulation."

The words 'memory manipulation' sent up a red flag in Jack's brain. Did he really want the full circumstances of what had happened on P3R-118 to become public knowledge? Maybe Daniel had a better argument than he'd originally thought. Suddenly the whole discussion seemed to take on a life of its own.

"You're right." Daniel raised one hand and pushed his glasses up his nose as he looked down at the tabletop, the speed of his words increasing as he continued "The Tok'ra are the best to approach on this. It's just, well," his eyes lifted and skittered toward Hammond, "Anise. She's, uh."

"Do you have a problem with Anise, Dr. Jackson?"

"I wouldn't go that far. I just don't always agree with her methods."

Fraiser shook her head. "Everyone here knows I don't approve of the way she does things, but she has gotten good results in the past."

And if Anise were to show up, Jack thought, Freya would have to come along for the ride. Which wasn't an altogether unpleasant idea.

General Hammond pushed back from his chair and stood. "Contact the Tok'ra, please, Major Carter, and make our request."

"Yes, sir." Carter's response was professional in the extreme, but Jack could read the discomfort beneath it.

He lingered behind as everyone began to file out of the briefing room. Daniel turned to look back at him just before he exited.

"Don't worry, Jack. It may all be academic anyway. Maybe they won't send her. Then neither of us will have a problem."

"Yeah, maybe," Jack muttered to Daniel's retreating back. It would make life a lot simpler if Freya wasn't the scientist they sent, if the Tok'ra sent anyone at all. It wasn't as if their allies jumped at every request the SGC made. Sometimes they took weeks and even months to reply to any communications.

Filling a cup from the carafe at the side table, Jack sipped the steaming brew. He'd avoided thinking about the events of P3R-118 as far as possible. There were gaps in his memory he wasn't sure he wanted to fill and others he wished he could forget. He and Carter had almost crossed a line. A line he knew was there for a very good reason. The only excuse he could give himself was that they weren't themselves. Now it was all over and he wanted everything to return to the way it had been before they'd set foot on that accursed ice planet.

It was the holes in his memory that had him concerned. Not just what they had done, he and Carter, but how others could interpret their actions. Suddenly Freya's face popped up in his mind, disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared.

Jack sipped his coffee absently. Daniel was right. The Tok'ra probably wouldn't bother sending one of their top scientists.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Welcome back to the SGC, Anise," Hammond's Texan drawl boomed over the loudspeakers. "Thank you for responding so quickly to our request."

"It is not a problem, General, but I have very little time. Could you please have someone direct me immediately to the test subjects?" Anise waited impatiently for her escort. It was not as if she did not know where the infirmary was and every moment wasted was one that took her from far more important business. Still, she had to sometimes pander to her host's wishes and from the report she had read, SG-1's experiences did raise some interesting questions.

The blast doors opened to admit Dr. Jackson. "It's good to see you again, Anise. If you'd follow me, Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter and Teal'c are waiting for you." He gestured for her to precede him. "Would you like me to carry that?" he asked, nodding his head toward the medium sized case she carried.

"Thank you, but no. I am more than capable of carrying such an insignificant weight." There was a dull thud as the heavy metal doors closed behind them. "Have you experienced any side effects since returning to the SGC?"

"Depends on what you mean by 'side effects'."

She felt a twinge of irritation. That was why she had asked. "The side effects from such a procedure could be many and varied." She decided to wait to discuss anything more until she could speak with Dr. Fraiser. Dr. Jackson did not seem to be very knowledgeable when it came to the physical responses of the human body.

"Is the new Tok'ra base comfortable?"

What did that matter? Comfort was irrelevant. It was functionality that was important. "It is no different from the last."

" Sandy?"

Ignoring the snigger of amusement from Freya, Anise continued purposefully toward the elevator doors.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Jackson said as he swiped his I.D. card through the reader to call the car. "That came out wrong. I think I've spent too much time around Jack."

She nodded in as friendly a fashion as possible. "I understand. That would explain it perfectly."

You mean he is developing a sense of humor?

The quiet question had Anise frowning. I thought we had agreed you would refrain from superfluous comments while we were here? We have a job to do, let us get it done.

The silence that answered her continued until they reached level twenty-one. The other members of SG-1 were easily seen through the open door of the infirmary as she entered. Teal'c sat already attached to various monitors while Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill stood nearby.

A sudden increase in her host's heart rate was quickly rectified by Anise. What could have caused that? As her eyes surveyed the room and came to rest on Colonel O'Neill, she answered her own question. Stop that, she snapped. I need to concentrate and managing your infantile response interrupts my thought processes. Even as she spoke, she realized she was being unfair to Freya. Anise's irritation was the result more of her conversation with Dr. Jackson than her host's quite understandable reaction to seeing one whom she admired.

I apologize, Freya, that was uncalled for.

Do not worry. I understand. Let us begin.

Once again in accord, host and symbiote stepped further into the large room.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The physiological testing had taken slightly longer than Freya had expected. Both Anise and Dr. Fraiser were exacting in their meticulousness, insisting on double checking and then rechecking each other's results. To Freya's surprise, Anise had not shown any impatience with this. Rather, she seemed to appreciate the Tau'ri doctor's professionalism.

Major Carter leaned into the computer screen showing the latest data, pointing to a specific line of numbers. "Look there. That's exactly what I was talking about. We need to follow up on that."

"The best way to do that is to have one of you," Dr. Fraiser said, gesturing to the assembled members of SG-1, "try to recall the missing time while Anise uses her equipment to monitor."

"I could do it," Dr. Jackson volunteered. "I don't mind being a guinea pig for this."

About to agree, Freya changed her mind at a comment from her symbiote. "Anise has suggested Colonel O'Neill be the subject as he appears to have more significant gaps in his memory."

"What was that?" The colonel straightened at the sound of his name, looking up from the small screen of the hand-held device he seemed to have taken so much pleasure from while the results were being analyzed. "What do you want me to do?"

"If you would take a seat over here, we can get started. The procedure should not take too long."

"You didn't answer my question. What procedure?"

Freya smiled at his puzzlement. It was very typical of O'Neill. "We have made some improvements to the zatarc detector, allowing us to combine it with the memory recall device. We have found it very effective."

"Don't tell me you want to hook me up to that thing again?"

She could understand his reluctance. But it was the most logical next step in their research. "Please, Colonel. I would not ask you to do this if it were not necessary."

Their eyes met for a long moment before he gave a small nod. "All right. If you say so."

"Are you sure, sir?" Dr. Fraiser looked surprised at the Colonel's easy capitulation.

"Yeah, Doc. I'll end up doing it anyway so is there really any point in arguing? Let's get it over and done with. T," he said, handing the small device to the Jaffa, "don't mess up my high scores."

It was the matter of only a few minutes before Colonel O'Neill was seated in one of the infirmary chairs. "This may hurt a little," Freya warned as she leaned over him. The warmth of his breath tickled her neck and she struggled to maintain her scientific facade as Anise's reminder to keep her professionalism to the fore echoed in her head. She felt him flinch as she pushed the small metal disk as gently as she could into his temple. It was a pity their recent improvements had not included a painless method for attaching the device.

At first there was no response. Freya made a small adjustment to the equipment. "Just relax, Colonel, and try to concentrate on Administrator Calder."

A virtual screen appeared between her and the seated man. An image formed of an officious looking person dressed in grey clothing. He appeared to be standing in a large office. His mouth began to move.

"Our methods are quite civilized."

Colonel O'Neill's voice sounded with a quick reply. "Really?"

The man answered calmly, "Yes. In fact I'll show you."

The memories sped up, flicking past rapidly. Freya tried to follow along, but it was simply too fast. "Wait." Perhaps if he concentrated on one specific moment. "You need to focus. If you concentrate on a moment that stands out in your mind, I will be able to calibrate the equipment and obtain a more precise reading."

His eyes slipped closed, a frown creasing his forehead. The images slowed, the scenes predominately of dark, gloomy machinery, but finally halting on a close up of short tuffs of blond hair brushing his shoulder.

"I remember feeling feelings."

The words were murmured but still quite audible to the Tok'ra. The head on O'Neill's shoulder lifted to show Major Carter's face, as Freya expected. From the report she had read, she knew they had both been on the same work detail so the image was not completely unexpected. However, the next moments were.

A movement in the image made it obvious that the Colonel was closing the distance between himself and the Major until the woman's face went out of focus. It was very, very clear what was happening. There was no way the kiss could be interpreted as anything other than what it was.

Five voices rang out in a cacophony of protest and the image cut off with a snap. Freya found herself the only person in the room unable to react as she stared at O'Neill's face. His eyes flew open to meet hers. Although he did not speak she could see the profound discomfort and, surprisingly enough, an apology in them.

Stepping back mentally, Freya allowed Anise to take control. "Thank you, Colonel. I believe the equipment is properly calibrated now. Might I suggest a break before we return to the actual moment of the memory stamp."

Freya breathed a sigh of relief as the people in the room dispersed. Except Colonel O'Neill. He remained seated, one long finger reaching up to tap the small disk at his temple.

"Do I need to keep this in?"

With Anise's consent, Freya took back control. She nodded. "It is not wise to remove and reattach the memory device in so short a time." The clinical explanation gave her time to regain her equilibrium after the scene she had just witnessed.

O'Neill stood with a nod, but wavered slightly, one hand reaching for the arm of the chair. Just managing to stop herself from stretching her hand out to steady him, she took a step closer. "Shall I call Dr. Fraiser?"

"No." His refusal was immediate. "I think I just stood up too quickly. How much time before we start again?"

"At least an hour, but really however much time is necessary."

"I'll head over to my office then. It's a bit quieter in there."

She watched him start for the door, his steps once again sure. About to turn back to the readout, she saw him pause.

"You want to come with?"

Although the phrasing was a little confusing, she understood the intent. "Yes."

The journey to O'Neill's office was made in silence. A silence not broken until he shut the door behind them, giving some measure of privacy. "Want something to drink?" he asked. "I don't know about you, but I could use a glass of water." Without waiting for a response he turned to the desk a few short feet away and grabbed the water jug. "Well, that was unexpected."

She nodded at his words, despite knowing he could not see her. She did not respond because she did not know how.

"I don't remember that." His back stiffened as he stood fully upright, jug in one hand. "God, that was embarrassing."

"Perhaps this explains the gaps in your memory. Maybe given your regulations, your subconscious acted to protect you from your superiors." She struggled to keep her composure.

He spun, the water splashing from the jug. "No. No, that's not it at all. I don't have those sort of feelings for Carter. It was as if I was experiencing the memories of a complete stranger. Don't get me wrong, I like her. I like her very much, as a friend as well as a colleague. But that's as far as it goes."

"Then why did you kiss her? Why did you hide the memory?" She could not help asking even knowing she had no right to do so.

Carefully replacing the jug on the desk, it was apparent he was putting some thought to his answer. "I honestly don't know." He shook his head in bewilderment.

Tentatively, not knowing what his answer would be, she asked, "Is Major Carter the reason you rejected my advance?"

"No." It came quickly. His tone was certain. "Like I said, Carter is just a friend. Sure, a close one, but nothing more than that. On that planet we were two different people with personalities stamped on us by Calder. Maybe we reached out to each other because of a mutual need for some sort of familiarity. I do remember feeling as if I was adrift, uncertain of who I was and why I was there. Carter was the only one who understood." He took a step toward her.

"So you truly do not feel that way about her?" She felt her pulse quicken and this time Anise did nothing to correct it.

He took another step bringing them a mere foot apart. "I really don't. Sitting in that chair, it felt like I was kissing my sister."

"So not like this?" She closed the distance, reaching up with both hands to clasp his neck to bring him closer. This was nothing like the time before in the holding room. This time he did not stiffen or push her back. He willingly met her halfway. Their lips touched and he took control.

She had experienced more passionate kisses before but none with the same depth of feeling. It was only a brief moment before they separated. The arm that had encircled her back remained there, its weight already a familiar presence. She could not restrain a broad smile. "Now, Colonel, did that feel like kissing your sister?"

His hand tightened on her shoulder. "No, I'm pleased to say it sure didn't. And," he continued, a matching grin crossing his face, "if you're going to keep kissing me, you're going to have to start calling me 'Jack.'"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

A Slow Melding - Part 3

* * *

"I apologize, Dr. Jackson, but I am unable to assist you. The Council's decision has been made and I cannot, in all conscience, go against it."

"Don't you understand it's Jack and Teal'c's lives we're talking about? Unless we can get a ship to them, they will die."

Anise tried to ignore Dr. Jackson's obvious anger. "The Tok'ra operative's life would be equally endangered if we broke communication silence."

But you know this operative would be willing to take the chance of discovery given the circumstance, Freya snapped at her symbiote.

Be that as it may, it is not a risk the Council is willing to take.

"It'd only be a very short message. The danger would be minimal," Jackson continued to argue. "Any message could go directly to your operative's ship and would be unlikely to be detected. Especially since the Goa'uld have no reason to monitor any off-planet communications."

He is right, you know.

Yes, I know, Anise had to admit. But what can we do? The decision is not ours to make.

Surely there must be something we can do to help Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c?

Her tone was pleading and Anise felt a surge of sympathy for her host. There might be a way, she suddenly realized, but the Tau'ri would have to figure it out.

"Anise, are you just going to ignore me?" Jackson practically growled.

"No." Anise's decision was made on the spot. With an accompanying internal cry of approval from Freya, she deliberately gave Jackson a cryptic message, one he should have no difficulty deciphering. "Do you really want to jeopardize the life of a Tok'ra important to both of us? Even though the operative is on a Goa'uld-occupied world within a day's travel of Earth there would be no guarantee a scout ship could arrive in time."

To her shock, Jackson seemed to become even angrier. "Okay. You've said that before."

No, you did not say that before, Freya interjected, also surprised. Did he not hear what you really said?

What more can I do? I have already said too much.

"Thanks for nothing, Anise."

She barely had time to acknowledge his words before he cut the communication. There was silence inside her mind. She waited patiently, feeling Freya's anxiety wash over her. O'Neill was in a very dire situation, Anise knew, and there was nothing other than the little they had just done to help him. Now all she and Freya could do was wait.

What if they are unable to work out our meaning? Jacob would be very upset if both Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c were lost to the fight against the Goa'uld.

He would not be the only one upset, would he?

I find my feelings for him growing daily, Anise. I wish you could see him as I do. Brave and loyal to those he serves with. Traits I am sorry to say the Tok'ra have forgotten.

Anise did not know how to respond. She knew the comment had some validity, but… Freya, you know our goals are too important to risk failure for the sake of a single individual.

Perhaps that should change.

Once again, Anise could not reply. Turning from the communications console, she moved quickly out of the room and returned to her duties.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The velvet blackness was all encompassing, the stars the only relief from its depths. Gliding on silent wings, the X-301 moved ever farther away from Jack's home. "I wish I had my GameBoy with me." Jack felt the urge to poke Teal'c in the shoulder. There was a moment of silence before he heard the eyebrow raise from his seat in the rear of the craft.

"As do I, O'Neill. As do I."

"So are you implying I'm being annoying?" Teal'c didn't have to answer, Jack knew he was acting like a five year old on a long car trip. But he was bored. And, he had to admit, scared. He never thought this would be the way he'd die: floating through space in a metal coffin. "Do you think they've found the Tok'ra scout ship yet?"

"I sincere hope so." There was a delicate pause. "For both our sakes."

Jack smirked at the back of Teal'c's helmet. At least teasing Teal'c made the time pass. The smile stayed in place as his thoughts drifted to one of the few Tok'ra he knew personally. His last meeting with Freya had opened a whole new can of worms. The kiss had been extremely pleasant, but what red-blooded male wouldn't have responded in the way he did? If it had been just a purely physical reaction he could have dismissed it. Instead, he found himself reliving the moment. What was wrong with him? Freya was beautiful, but she had a snake living inside of her, for crying out loud! There was no way he could get past that. And yet…

"Hey, T," he spoke before he could stop himself. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly, O'Neill." The helmet tilted to one side.

"Have you ever been in the situation where you liked a girl but you didn't like her family?"

"I have not. Drey'auc's family was very close to me."

Jack nodded. Well, so much for help from that angle.

"Was there a specific reason you ask?"

Now didn't seem the appropriate time to bare his soul to his friend and, really, was there any point to it? He'd done the math. "No, Teal'c. No reason. Just making conversation."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jack strained to hear anything from his companion. Surely he should be able to detect some sign of life, even if it was only the sound of his breathing. But ever since Teal'c had put himself into kel'no'reem, Jack had the terrible feeling he was totally alone. Floating in his tin can, far above the world. The words of the old Bowie song seemed to mock him. Planet Earth sure wasn't blue beneath him, even if there was nothing he could do.

His thoughts skittered around, jumping from one thing to the next. He wondered what they were doing back at the SGC to get them out of this mess. When he died, who would get his truck since he hadn't specified in his Will? He wouldn't get to watch the Stanley Cup. He wouldn't get to see his friends again: Daniel, Carter, all his poker buddies, Freya.

Whoa.

Was Freya really a friend? Or was she more? Would he have kissed her as he had if she was only a friend? And what about Anise? Why hadn't she stopped Freya? Didn't she like Daniel? What was up with that? It didn't seem like that relationship was going anywhere fast. He and Freya at least understood each other. Or did they?

He had never really talked to Freya about Anise. While he and Freya seemed to get along, he knew the same couldn't be said of him and Anise. The symbiote seemed arrogant and very much the typical Tok'ra. However, he had never sat down and tried to have a conversation with her. Did he like Freya enough to put his prejudices aside?

But what did it really matter? He'd done the math.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"What are you still doing here? I thought you would have gone home by now."

Jack looked up to see Daniel's face poking around the corner of his office. "I wish. But the Doc insisted I stay on base overnight. Oxygen deprivation and all that."

"Ah." Daniel nodded, stepping into the room and sinking into a chair. "I have to tell you we were really worried. It was a pretty close thing there at the end."

Jack scrubbed his hand through his hair. "Yeah, I know." The headache may have begun to recede but its lingering presence reminded him of his near death experience.

"Thank God Jacob was near enough to get to you and Teal'c in time."

"I'm kind of surprised the Council told you how to find Jacob."

Daniel leaned back in his chair. "Well, actually they didn't. Sam figured it out."

"Figured what out? Either they told you or they didn't. Which is it?"

"They didn't. The Council said it was too great a risk, but Anise gave us enough information for Sam to realize her dad was nearby."

Throwing Daniel an incredulous look, he frowned. "Anise? What did she have to with anything?"

"That's what I just said. She told us where Jacob was. I hope she doesn't get in trouble for it."

"Wait a minute." Jack simply couldn't believe it. There was no way he'd heard correctly. "You're saying Anise went against the Council to help you find us?"

"Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe isn't it? I didn't think Anise particularly liked you." Daniel raised one eyebrow speculatively. "Can you think of any reason she would do that?"

Yes, he could, but he wasn't going to say anything about it. Instead, he shook his head in denial. "No, I agree, it's pretty odd. Maybe she just had a human moment."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Freya sniffed the air, wrinkling her nose delicately at the acrid smell of chemicals. Why were the Tau'ri still polluting their own planet?

"Don't worry, you get used to it fairly quickly," Jacob said, activating the hatch controls. "By tomorrow you won't even notice it."

Hopefully we will not be here that long, Anise commented. After all we are only on Earth to find out what the Tau'ri intend to do with their new naquadah bomb.

And why Jack was not at the SGC, Freya added pointedly. Realizing Jacob had already entered the trees surrounding the grassy expanse they had landed the ship in, she hurried to catch up, not wanting to lose him in the thickening gloom.

Jack?

The sudden question from Anise almost made Freya stumble on the rough path, but she caught herself. The unfamiliar shoes had a much better grip than those she normally wore.

Since when has Colonel O'Neill become 'Jack'?

Since he kissed me back. She refused to feel uncomfortable about the subtle alteration in their relationship. To her surprise there was no further argument from her symbiote as they approached a dwelling Jacob had assured her was Jack's. "What if he is not within?" Freya asked. "What shall we do then?" She felt a sharp pang of anxiety rising and firmly squashed it down. General Bauer had been less than courteous, giving them no idea as to the whereabouts of either Jack or General Hammond.

"Then we'll have to break in," Jacob said, mounting the short flight of steps leading to the large glass entrance. "But I think we'll try knocking first." He rapped loudly on the thick pane in front of them. Almost immediately, the room within was thrown into relief by the light from another area of the house.

Jack's figure was backlit as he crossed the space towards them. "What are you two doing here?" he asked, sliding the glass apart. "Don't tell me. You were just in the neighborhood and thought you'd drop in."

Jacob grinned. "Something like that. Besides I missed your acerbic wit."

"Yeah, right."

"So, you going to invite us in?"

Freya awaited the answer to Jacob's question half expecting the reply to be negative. It seemed the relationship between Jack and Selmac's host was not as friendly as she had heard. The two continued to trade insults as the taller man gestured them both into the house. Jack reached for a control on the nearby wall and the room was flooded with light.

"That's a new look for you." Freya saw his eyes moving, his gaze taking in the clothing Jacob had referred to as jeans and t-shirt. "It works."

"We felt it was best to be as inconspicuous as possible, Colonel O'Neill," Selmac explained.

"Why?"

Jacob took up the explanation. "Anise found out about the sudden change of command when she visited the SGC. She also saw the plans for the naquadah bomb. Of course the Tok'ra were concerned. And here we are."

"Ah." Jack nodded in understanding. "Well, you don't need to worry about that anymore. I've taken care of it. Politics." He waved a dismissive hand.

"You look tired, Colonel."

Freya was startled to hear Anise's words. It was rare for her symbiote to show any concern for another's wellbeing.

"It's been a rough couple of days," Jack admitted. "And there's still a lot more to do. But let's not dwell. Jacob, you want a beer? Anise, how about you?"

"Yeah," the older man nodded, turning to her. "The Tok'ra don't have anything like it. It's alcohol and has a slightly intoxicating effect."

Freya appreciated the explanation. "In that case, I shall decline, but thank you for the offer."

"Speaking of the SGC, you don't need to worry about Bauer." Jack turned back with two green bottles in hand, giving one to Jacob and keeping the other for himself. He gestured to the chairs surrounding a small table. "By tomorrow, Hammond will be back in charge."

Seating herself, Freya continued to follow the conversation with interest.

"That was my next question. Closely followed by: why did he leave in the first place?"

"They threatened his granddaughters."

Freya was as shocked by the bald statement as Jacob appeared to be. Was this a normal tactic the Tau'ri used against one another? It did not seem possible they would use their own children as weapons.

"Are they okay?" Jacob stuttered. "Is George at his house?

"Yeah, they're fine now. But he was pretty shook up by the whole thing."

"I should go talk to him." Jacob set the untouched bottle down on the table. "Can I borrow your truck?"

"Sure." Jack reached into his pocket, pulling out a ring from which dangled four keys. "Just don't get pulled over. Your license has probably expired."

Freya waited to speak until Jacob had left by the same door they had entered. "Are Jacob and General Hammond close?" The events of the past few minutes had happened so quickly, she found herself confused by them. She had not expected to be deserted by her fellow Tok'ra. Nor had she expected to be alone with Jack.

"Yes, they've been friends for years." Jack slid into the chair next to her, taking a long drink from the bottle in his hand.

As she sat there, Freya found herself relaxing. Jack's home had a comfortable feel to it, somehow familiar even though she had never been there before.

It is a relief to you Colonel O'Neill is safe and well, Anise said. I must admit, I too am pleased.

Freya smiled at the tone in Anise's voice. It was the first softening towards Jack her symbiote had ever displayed. Meeting the eyes of the man sitting beside her, she saw an answering smile.

"So, what do you think of Earth so far?"

The smile stayed on her face. "I have not seen enough of it to judge, however, your dwelling seems very welcoming."

"Thanks."

Anise requested a moment to speak with Jack and Freya gladly acquiesced. "Colonel O'Neill, I would be interested in comparing the difference in lifestyles between the Tok'ra and the Tau'ri. Could I ask you to show us the rest of your dwelling?"

Jack's smile immediately lessened. "We call it a house, Anise." His words were colder, more precisely enunciated. "Unfortunately, now isn't really a good time."

Disappointment filled Freya at Jack's obvious withdrawal. Her eyes closing, she once more took control. "Have we said something we should not?"

"No, Freya, it's not you."

Instantly, she recalled the conversation they had had several months previously. At the time he had failed to truly answer her question when she asked if Anise made him uncomfortable. Perhaps she now had her answer. "So it is Anise." It was not a question.

He nodded, then took another mouthful from the bottle. "I suppose I can't get over the fact she's here watching us the whole time."

"That is not entirely accurate. It is a true symbiotic relationship. We experience everything as one."

Jack stood abruptly, the green bottle hitting the table with a sharp clink. He turned his back and crossed the short distance to the glass doors, looking out into the darkness. "Yeah, that's the problem."

Anise spoke softly. And that is why this relationship cannot succeed.

Although the remark was not meant in a cutting way, Freya felt it deeply. She was host to a Tok'ra and that was not going to change nor did she want it to. "Why do you feel this way?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure."

It seemed there was more behind the quiet statement. She waited, wondering if he would elaborate.

"How can you do that? Have something living inside you like that?" Jack turned back to face her, a thoroughly disgusted look on his face. "Like I said, it's not you, Freya. I like you. I really do. But whenever I remember Anise is there it just makes my skin crawl."

Freya felt an almost physical recoil from Anise. I knew he did not like me, but I had no idea he felt this strongly.

A sense of hopelessness almost overwhelmed her. The depth of despair she felt telling her how much she had come to want this, despite Anise's misgivings. Yet she was not prepared to give up so easily. "Is there nothing I can do?"

The silence following her question seemed to last forever. Jack's gaze held hers but his eyes had lost their brightness. The only change was in his expression: gone was the look of disgust, replaced by an emotionless mask she could not penetrate.

A tiny voice, one she had never before heard from Anise, sounded. Tell the colonel I shall remain invisible while you are together unless he asks.

As Freya conveyed Anise's words, Jack's expression changed to one of disbelief. "That doesn't seem like the sort of thing a Tok'ra would offer."

"Perhaps that is also part of the problem. You have never truly come to know us." For one short moment, she thought she had ruined it all.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jack felt a sudden burst of anger. Freya was wrong. He wasn't the sort of person to generalize like that. He never judged an entire race on the actions of few individuals. But the Tok'ra were different. They were parasites, the same race as the Goa'uld. A wolf was always a wolf even when it was disguised as a sheep. The hosts were still slaves. "What gives you the right to judge me like that?"

"Did you not just do the same?"

The hurt was clear in Freya's voice. With an awkward motion, completely lacking any of her usual grace, she stood and moved to the sink. It was almost as if she was hiding from him, but instead it merely made her profile stand out in clear relief. As the silence grew her shoulders began to shake. He had hurt Freya. He hadn't expected that to happen. Hurt was such a human emotion, one he had never seen from a snake. His anger began to melt. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He took a step toward her, but she took a corresponding step backwards. What did she think he was going to do?

Her eyes finally met his. "Why not? You were being honest."

"I'm not really good with this sort of stuff. Sometimes what I say just comes out wrong." He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Did Anise really mean what she said?"

"She does. She is doing it for me. She knows how I feel about you."

Finally it had been said. They'd been tiptoeing around it and now it was out in the open. This was decision time. Could he do this? Did he want to? He looked at the woman just a few feet away. She was just as human as he was. Maybe it could work after all. At least they should give it a shot. This time she didn't retreat. "I can be a real bastard sometimes. Can you deal with that?"

The corners of her lips twitched. "If you can deal with a snake, I can deal with a bastard."

He laughed out loud, the last vestiges of anger vanishing. "Okay then, it's a deal." If they were really going to do this, it was time he took the initiative. This time their kiss was long, heated and very, very passionate. Damn, she was hot. Maybe they should take this somewhere else. Tightening his arms around her, he began to edge her further into the house with a very obvious goal in mind.

"Hey, Jack! You going to leave me locked up in here all night? I need to pee."

Oh, crap. Maybourne.

Freya's arms dropped. "Who is that? I was not aware anyone else was here."

"Don't worry. It's just a temporary and very annoying house guest," he raised his voice on purpose, "who is supposed to be invisible."

"Invisible is easier when I'm not handcuffed to a couch."

She tried to pull away, but he held on, not willing to let the moment end so quickly. It had just been getting good. Damn, Maybourne. The slimy rat-bastard had done it to him again. He'd definitely enjoy turning him back over to the authorities in the morning.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your guest, Starsky?"

"Who is Starsky?"

Freya was obviously completely confused and Jack couldn't blame her. He grinned again. "Don't ask." Bending slightly, he kissed the top of her head. "Don't go anywhere. I just have to go gag him." He turned and walked into the living room, unable to wipe the smile from his face. Maybe he could just get Maybourne a litter pan.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

A Slow Melding - Part 4

* * *

Anise was very aware of Colonel O'Neill's left arm resting heavily across her host's shoulders, but the weight was in no way negative. In fact, Freya was most content to sit beside him on the comfortable couch.

"What did you say was the purpose of this program?"

"Just give it a bit longer. It's really funny. Trust me."

And it was. The antics of the crudely drawn characters were surprisingly amusing. The current scene on the television showed the comical adventures of the young son in a foreign country.

You appear to understand this program, but I find it confusing and not humorous at all. Regardless, I am enjoying the evening.

O'Neill laughed uproariously and Anise simply could not help herself. She joined him, her own mirth bubbling from Freya's lips. The Colonel's amusement ended abruptly. His arm slid from Freya as he turned to look her full in the face.

"What was that?"

Anise retreated. I am so sorry. I could not help myself. Please apologize to the Colonel on my behalf.

"Anise apologizes. She was caught up in the humor."

A frown crossed his forehead, but quickly vanished. "Ah, that's okay. I suppose. So Anise thinks The Simpsons are funny?"

Remaining in the background, she let Freya handle the situation. "Yes. Apparently she understands this show far better than I do."

"I'm surprised. I wouldn't have thought it was her sort of thing." With one final lingering look, O'Neill began easing his arm back to its original position only to halt with a pained wince.

"Is your recent injury still causing you discomfort?"

For a moment, Anise wondered to what Freya was referring. The relaxed atmosphere of their evening had made her forget the Colonel had a gunshot wound. This was not the first occasion since they had last seen each other that he had been injured in the course of his duties. It seemed that over the past months, O'Neill had been in many dangerous situations, having disappeared and reappeared several times. Each time had caused Freya to become more concerned for his well-being, hence the reason for their clandestine visit.

It had all come to a head when the Tok'ra had received the latest request for information from the SGC and there had, yet again, been no justification for them to travel to Earth. There had been several requests for information over the months since they had come to their understanding with O'Neill. Soon after her visit to Earth with Jacob Carter, the SGC had contacted the Tok'ra regarding a Goa'uld device that had O'Neill and the rest of SG-1 stranded off Earth. It was some time before the situation had been rectified. Another report told of an alien entity which had invaded Major Carter. It was only while reading that report they discovered O'Neill had been injured again.

"Honestly, yeah." O'Neill finally eased himself back against her side. "I don't seem to heal quite as quickly anymore. I'm not as young as I used to be." There was a brief pause before he continued. "I don't suppose that's something you have to worry about."

To Anise's surprise, Freya did not hesitate in her answer. "Yes, it is one of the many benefits of having a symbiote." This was the first time the subject of the host/symbiote relationship had been raised in some while. Their few brief conversations had necessarily consisted of polite enquires and exchanges of information, as they had both been well aware of the presence of others.

O'Neill did not stiffen as Anise half-expected. "I could see that as a positive. I wouldn't mind being able to do something about my knee."

Anise waited for a further and probably negative comment to come. After a few seconds where the only sound was the final moments of the show, she decided nothing else was to follow.

"You want some more pizza?"

Nodding her head, Freya picked up the small plate she had been eating from. "Thank you, yes."

Ask for more pepperoni, Anise prompted. I prefer it to the sausage.

After passing on the request, Freya settled back into the couch, her eyes following Jack's progress into the kitchen.

I admit to being surprised by the Colonel's lack of reaction when I laughed, Anise commented.

I believe neither of us credited him with enough tolerance to overlook our error.

Anise was grateful for her host's tacit acceptance of responsibility. Was there the possibility O'Neill could eventually overcome his distaste for the Tok'ra? Her thoughts were interrupted by the Colonel's return, plates in hand.

"Here you go." This time instead of settling himself close to Freya, he sat at an angle to face her. The muted sounds of the television were a buzz in the background. "You know, I was just thinking, maybe I should at least try to get to know Anise?"

Freya reached toward him, putting a hand on his left forearm. "That makes me very happy, Jack. I know how difficult this is for you." Looking embarrassed, he muttered something unintelligible and looked over to the television.

I did not quite catch what the Colonel said. Perhaps you could ask him to repeat it?

The reply was instant. No, I do not believe that would be helpful. "Jack?" Freya waited for his gaze to return to hers. "Would you like to speak with Anise now?"

Once again, he did not seem to know what to say. "Yeah, why not. Now's as good a time as any."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jack felt like a schoolboy on his first date. He had no idea what he was doing. What was he going to say to a snake? They had nothing whatsoever in common to talk about. Watching Freya's eyes close for a short moment, he knew the next voice he heard would be Anise's.

"I am distrustful of this Mr. Burns. There is something about him which reminds me of a Goa'uld."

"You think so?" He found himself grinning. "I've always thought so, but no one else sees it. And it's so obvious. You know most people just don't seem to get that."

"Perhaps it is because they have not had the experiences we have with the real thing."

Studying Freya's familiar face, he could see subtle differences with Anise now in control. The easy smile had gone, replaced by a slight but still attractive uplift of the lips. She held herself more upright on the couch, seemingly not as relaxed. But then again, he had given her reason to be apprehensive with him. "We've both been there, done that." An expression of confusion covered her face and he hurried to explain his meaning. "It's something we say when you've done something and don't want to do it again."

She nodded. "Very apt. I have found the Tau'ri have many such sayings. Jacob Carter has enriched our vocabulary greatly since his blending with Selmac." Something Jack would have called a smirk crossed her face. "I believe the Council is still adjusting to the changes he has wrought."

Jacob did have some pretty earthy slang. They both did after years in the Air Force. "It'll be good for them." The Council was a pretty boring bunch, from what he'd seen.

"I am not allowed to comment on such things, Colonel."

The phrasing seemed as familiar to her as it was to him. He'd used variations of those exact same words countless times. "How about one more episode?" He picked up the season four box from the coffee table, scanning the titles.

"Do you have a particular favorite?" Anise asked.

"Oh, yeah. I've got plenty of them." He popped the DVD into the player and sat back down, the bruises on his back from his armor a small pain he ignored. Freya snuggled in. Or was it Anise? No, he thought, it was definitely Freya. She must have taken back control, but for a moment it'd been hard to tell.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Thank you, General Hammond. Your information will give the Council a much greater understanding of the events surrounding the destruction of our Revanna base. It has been difficult given the great loss of life to piece together what happened."

Jack had never expected to be so happy to hear a snake's voice. Trying not to be obvious, he stepped closer to the microphone. He'd been so worried. There had been no chance during the Goa'uld's sudden attack to do more than flee for their lives. He hadn't even been able to ask if Freya was on the base. It wasn't until they'd gotten safely back to the SGC that his concern had grown until he'd been in a state of extreme anxiety. Bending over, his head level with Hammond's, he spoke without bothering to get permission. "At least we know you're safe. That's something."

Clearing his throat, the General backed Jack off with a look. "Yes, Anise. It will be hard for the Tok'ra to recover from this blow. You have our sympathies."

"I will convey yours and Colonel O'Neill's condolences to the Council."

Jack straightened as Hammond ended the call, knowing he'd pushed his luck a little farther than he should have. A sudden crawling sensation ran up his spine and lifted the hairs on the back of his neck. He turned to find Teal'c staring at him speculatively.

"Your concern for the Tok'ra is to be commended, O'Neill, if a little unexpected."

"Well, they're our allies, aren't they? And Anise is one of the few we have regular contact with." Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow in response. Had Jack's words given away more than intended?

Hammond's voice pulled them from their impasse. "All right, people. We have a lot of work to do. Let's get to it. Colonel," he said, giving Jack a pointed look. "I'm still waiting for that report you owe me."

He nodded, glad to escape Teal'c's continuing stare. "I'll get right on it, General." Heading for the stairs, he hurried to get back to the privacy of his office, his feeling of relief almost overwhelming.

She was safe.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

A Slow Melding - Part 5

* * *

Freya tapped tentatively at the door, not sure if the occupant was within. She had asked the sergeant in the control room for Jack's whereabouts when she arrived, but the man seemed reluctant to give her the information. Deciding to look for him herself, his quarters was the most obvious place to start. There was a long enough pause for her to consider searching elsewhere, but then an abrupt voice came through the door.

"Who is it?"

"It is Freya."

The door opened quickly, Jack's figure filling the entry. "Come in." He waited until she moved into the room before closing the door and taking her into his arms. "It's about time you got here."

She slid her arms beneath his unbuttoned shirt and held him tightly, feeling the tension in his back. "I am so sorry. I know Dr. Jackson was very dear to you." He did not reply, merely burying his head into her shoulder. Finally, with a sigh, he ended the embrace and stepped back. She remained silent while he began methodically buttoning the light blue shirt, letting him lead the conversation.

"I know he's not gone. Well, not really. But ascension just seems like another way to say dead."

She did not know what to say to that, how to comfort him. She knew what it was like to lose people close to her. Every member of her family had died in the long years she had been host to Anise. It had never gotten any easier.

"I can't believe he asked me, me of all people, to tell Jacob to stop healing him. To let him die."

"What do you mean?"

"He came to me when he was dying. I think he was already partially ascended. He said it was what he wanted. But to me it seems like he just gave up." He finished buttoning the shirt and tucked it into his uniform trousers.

The ferocity of Jack's statement had Freya pausing before she suggested carefully, "You appear to be angry with Dr. Jackson."

"Damn right I am." He spun and stalked to the bed, picking up his tie. "And now I'm expected to stand up there in front of everyone and say nice things about him."

The tie went around his neck with a jerky motion. This was a side of Jack she had not seen in close to a year and it was rather alarming.

But is it not understandable?

Freya gave an internal nod at Anise's words. How do I comfort him? He is so upset I do not know what to do next.

May I help?

Do you think that is wise? Freya hesitated. While Jack and Anise had come to some small understanding, that was as far as it went. Would he welcome her symbiote's presence when he was so emotional?

I would like to try, Anise insisted.

Completely out of options, Freya agreed, reluctantly giving over control.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Colonel O'Neill pulled the tie apart and was beginning to work on the intricate knot again when Anise walked over and stopped him. Reaching up, she halted his trembling hands. His fingers curled over hers and tightened, clearly seeking comfort.

"I understand your anger, for I have also felt it."

The grip on her hands grew stronger. "How do I make it go away?" The Colonel's voice was quiet and faltering, his eyes never leaving their clasped fingers.

"It is not an easy thing to do, but for your own sake you must try."

"Anise, I don't know if I can do that." Finally, he looked up and their eyes met. "I don't know if I'm that forgiving."

"Do not let the final memory you have of Dr. Jackson be one of anger. Did he tell you what occurred when last we spoke?"

With one final squeeze, he slipped his hands from hers to start on the tie a third time. "No."

"It was not long after the Goa'uld attempted to destroy Earth with the asteroid. When I inquired after your well-being he was rather terse. I am afraid I was less than courteous at his unhelpful attitude."

O'Neill looked up with a frown.

"We had words and the conversation ended on a very unpleasant note. I never had the opportunity to speak with him again. At a later encounter I may have apologized, but now I will never know. And that is something I deeply regret. I would not wish you to feel the same way."

There was silence as the Colonel finished knotting the tie. Anise thought he would now step back from her, that he would retreat into his preparations for the memorial service. Instead, he reached out with one hand and caressed her cheek. "Thank you, Anise. I understand where you're coming from and you're right. I've had too many regrets in my life to add another to the list."

Looking down, he glanced at his wristwatch. "We'd better hurry. The service starts soon."

When he sat on the side of the bed to put on his shoes, Anise saw he was no longer trembling. A few shorts moments later the Colonel buttoned his jacket and turned to her. "Shall we?" He held out his left arm, bent at the elbow.

She frowned a little, uncertain what he expected her to do. Taking her right hand gently, he tucked it around his arm.

"A gentleman should always properly escort a lady."

With a smile, she let him lead her to the door.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"I do not believe Colonel O'Neill is a suitable host for Kanan. His dislike for the Tok'ra is well known."

Anise resisted the urge to snap out an impolite reply. There was no point in alienating a member of the Tok'ra high council. Instead, she spoke as calmly as she could. "Thoran, you do not know the Colonel as I do. Although he disagrees with some of our methods he is not an unreasonable man. If we are unable to help with the healing device, I believe the offer should be made."

Thoran inclined his head. "If you are certain, Anise, I will yield to your judgment."

An overwhelming sense of relief flooded her. Hopefully it would not come to that drastic a measure, but given the information they had received from the SGC, the Colonel was in a critical condition and near death. Both she and Freya were willing to do whatever it took to save him.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Although she had known Jack was deathly ill, she had not realized until she entered his isolation room just what that meant. His face was pale, his hair darkened with sweat. The plastic mask covering his mouth was clouded from the gasping breaths she could hear even from the doorway. She glanced up to the observation room, relieved to find it empty. While not purposefully kept a secret, their relationship was still unknown to those around him. And this was not the appropriate time for it to become common knowledge.

Coming up beside his bed, she took his hand, squeezing it gently. "Jack, can you hear me?"

His fingers gripped hers for a moment, a small smile lifting the corners of his lips. "Hey." His eyes opened and she read the exhaustion in them. "Come to see the invalid, huh?"

Freya could not speak for a moment. His voice was raspy and barely audible through the mask.

He coughed, causing a fine mist of condensation. "Damn thing," he muttered, one hand slowly reaching up to drag the mask off his face. "I hate those things."

"There is a reason Dr. Fraiser has given you one."

"At this point, does it really matter? Since the healing device couldn't help me we're out of options."

"Not completely." She paused for a moment, not sure how he would react.

Go on, Anise prompted, unless you want to lose him completely.

"The Tok'ra are immune to this disease. If you took a symbiote …"

The response was immediate. "Are you out of your mind!" The words ended in a paroxysm of anguished coughing.

She stumbled back at the vehemence of his tone. She had hoped his conversations with Anise had softened his opinion of the symbiotic relationship between Tok'ra and host. Clearly she had been mistaken.

There was a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Freya-" His words were interrupted by another cough. "I just can't."

There was nothing she could say to that. Her heart seemed to halt for an instant. But as much as she did not want to lose him, his depth of feeling was an integral part of him.

Looking over, she caught his gaze. The sorrow on his face told her everything he could not voice. All further argument vanished from her mind. Taking the few steps back to his side, she laid one hand on his shoulder, the other returning to his hand, fingers interlacing with his. "I thought we would have longer."

His grip tightened painfully around her palm. "So did I."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Sir, please."

Carter stood beside him, the heavy decon suit partially concealing her features. Even though her voice was amplified by the tiny microphone in the helmet, he had to strain to hear her. His pulse thudded in his ears, too fast and too frantic. Each breath was a chore as he forced air into his lungs.

He tried to speak, to once again refuse the symbiote being offered to him, but his mouth was too dry to form the words. A tiny movement in the observation room caught his attention. Freya stood statue still in the far corner, completely apart from Hammond and Jonas. Although her expression was empty, her hands were clenched at her sides. Her obvious distress had him looking quickly away.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Carter glance up. He knew they all wanted him to agree, but he was the one who would have to walk around with a snake in his head.

And would that really be so bad? That little voice of conscience whispered from the depths of his mind. He had come to like Anise. She was more than a snake. She was a person, just as Freya was. A person with as many feelings and emotions as her host.

It would only be temporary, Carter had just reassured him of that. Was his stubborn assurance that he was right about the Tok'ra worth his life? Was he willing to do that to Freya?

He couldn't force the words out, despite swallowing again. He was really going to do this.

He merely nodded.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC

Authors' Notes: It will be a few days before the next part is posted. Eleri flew out today and Flatkatsi starts work tomorrow. Don't worry - we promise it won't be too long.


	6. Chapter 6

A Slow Melding - Part 6

* * *

"Anise, might I beg a few moments of your time?"

Looking up from Freya's notebook, Anise smiled. While it was a little disconcerting to hear Kanan's voice emerging from the Colonel's mouth, she was too pleased he was alive to care. Both she and Freya had given up the hope he would change his mind and accept a symbiote, even to save his own life. They had stared down at him, near death, and absolutely known they would never speak to him again. And then he had nodded.

Three days had passed and she still had not been able to speak with O'Neill. The illness in its final stages had nearly been beyond even Kanan's abilities to heal. Keeping them isolated from the main part of the base and in solitude had been deemed the most appropriate course. Anise and Freya chaffed at the decision.

But now, seeing his tall form in front of her, all resentment faded. "I would be happy to assist you, Kanan. Please sit." She gestured to the only other chair in her laboratory.

He is still pale, Freya said.

His color will return, Anise replied confidently. Give Kanan a little more time. A flood of happiness rolled through her and Anise could not positively say whether it was hers or Freya's.

"I find myself confused," Kanan started, voice hesitant. "O'Neill is still too weak to awaken and yet his force of will fights me even now. Does he not understand I have no wish to harm him? I was told he agreed to our blending."

"Colonel O'Neill is a very complicated individual. Accepting you was not a decision he made lightly."

Kanan glanced down at his hands where they rested on his thighs. "On many occasions I had heard of his distaste for us. I confess I was surprised he agreed at all, no matter the consequences to himself."

Anise held her tongue. If O'Neill had not awakened, perhaps Kanan had no knowledge of the true nature of their relationship.

"You have spent a considerable amount of time in his company," he continued, "that much I have gathered from the little he allows to escape. To force more information would be against all we are. But I do not understand him. I do not understand why."

Why O'Neill had taken a symbiote? Why, even asleep, did he hold Kanan at bay? Why Kanan had come to her for answers? He could have meant any or none of them. She chose to answer the easiest. "Colonel O'Neill values his privacy and his control very highly. It is not easy for him to confide in another." That was safe enough.

"And yet he has confided in you."

The implied question hung in the air like smoke, thick and cloying. Anise could only stare across the short distance into the face that had become as important to her as it had to Freya. Your thoughts?

Freya seemed to be at as much of a loss as she was. I am unsure, Anise. We have known Kanan for a very long time and have never seen him perform a dishonorable act.

However, it is not solely our decision to make. "As you said, we have spent much time in O'Neill's company." Anise decided quickly. They needed to know how much Kanan understood about their relationship. "What is it exactly you are asking?"

"Are you and Freya mated to Colonel O'Neill?"

Once again, Anise was stunned into silence. She had not expected that question, but could only respond with the truth. "No, we are not mated." This time she knew the disappointment came from them both.

"Yet you are close to an agreement."

"We have what the Tau'ri call a relationship. There has been no discussion of a mate bond." Anise was beginning to feel uncomfortable. While her host was at ease speaking of highly personal topics with most individuals, Anise did not know Kanan well enough for such a conversation to take place.

Kanan met her eyes briefly, his matching uneasiness obvious. "I apologize for my unsolicited intimacy, but my reason is just, I assure you." His chest rose as he visibly braced himself. "Long before your first blending I was mated."

Kanan had taken a mate? His refusal to form a bond with any of his fellow Tok'ra was legendary. Anise knew her face held an unbecoming look of surprise, but his admission had been wholly unexpected.

"Lareel was a scientist, like yourself. There was no fear of her death while on any dangerous assignment for the Council. She should have survived me."

And now upon waking he finds himself in very similar circumstances, Freya murmured.

"O'Neill's feelings are very passionate, though he holds them firmly under control. His caring for you and Freya are great. I fear once he awakes I will be unable to keep his emotions from affecting me."

And now Anise understood. Kanan's blending with the Colonel was only temporary. Once another suitable host was found, he would leave. But he would take O'Neill's caring for them with him. She searched for an appropriate response, but Kanan continued before she found it.

"I swore after Lareel was killed I would never allow myself to be in so vulnerable a position again. I do not know if I can survive another such blow. Even if we both live for a long time, when I leave O'Neill you must become nothing to me." Abruptly, he stood, the chair scooting back with the force.

Watching him prowl around her laboratory restlessly, Anise wondered if there was any way to help. It was cruel to force him into their peculiar situation, one in which there was no hope. The emotional blow of losing one mate was crushing. To lose two? Inconceivable. Yet, Kanan was correct. Anise knew her own feelings for O'Neill only started because of her bond with Freya. Her host's emotions had melded into her, gradually becoming hers as well. That was the way of the Tok'ra. Two beings could not coexist so intimately without a total sharing.

But she knew Freya's serene and gentle manner was directly opposite to O'Neill's forceful personality. Experienced as Kanan was in maintaining his own identity, the Colonel was going to have an incredible influence on the Tok'ra, even if it was unintentional. "What can we do, Kanan?"

His agitated pacing halted and he turned to face her. Expression bleak, he shook his head. "I fear there is nothing to be done."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"You are positive? He has agreed?" Kanan sounded a little desperate even to his own ears.

"He has," Thoran said, a broad smile on his face. "I met with him personally. He arrives in two days. You will find Marec a very suitable and agreeable host."

He ignored the snort of disbelief from O'Neill and smiled in return. "Thank you for your diligence, Thoran. It will be a relief to both O'Neill and myself to conclude our arrangement."

You can say that again.

Kanan held his laugh in check. O'Neill needed no encouragement, although the Tok'ra had to concede the Tau'ri's wit was surprisingly entertaining. Has our short time together truly been so onerous, O'Neill? The long pause revealed the reply before his host spoke.

No, Kanan, he admitted reluctantly. One thing I can't call it is onerous.

Letting the smile take over his host's face, Kanan continued down the tunnel in a ground-eating stride. That was not so difficult to say, was it?

You know it was. Now beat it. I want to tell Freya myself.

Kanan relinquished control in mid-stride, knowing O'Neill would not stumble in the moving transition. The Tau'ri was infuriatingly sure-footed. A lightness seemed to be in O'Neill's steps, one Kanan had never felt before.

They had come to an understanding, he and O'Neill. The first days after O'Neill's recovery had been more awkward than any blending Kanan had ever experienced. Distrustful, ill at ease and possessing a will as strong as naquadah, O'Neill had tested the Tok'ra at every turn. It had taken every bit of his considerable patience to ease them both through the transition. Their uneasy alliance had gradually turned into a grudging respect and even a comfort with each other's presence. Establishing early on the limits of what O'Neill was willing to reveal of himself, Kanan had carefully broached the Tau'ri's relationship with Freya. O'Neill had comprehended the problem immediately and given the matter considerable thought. Unwilling to force a separation between them, Kanan had agreed to protect himself as best he could against O'Neill's feelings. To an extent, it had worked.

"Hey," O'Neill called, entering Freya's quarters. "They found a host." He met her in the middle of the room as she crossed to him.

"That is good news."

Her scent filled him, familiar and uncomfortably arousing. O'Neill's obvious pleasure at her welcoming embrace beat at the protective walls Kanan erected whenever they were in her presence.

"You don't seem very happy about it." O'Neill pulled back a little to look her in the face. "You knew I hadn't changed my mind about this whole temporary host thing."

"I know. I never believed you would." Freya stepped away, face averted.

O'Neill followed her, turning her gently. He lifted her chin to meet his eyes. "But?"

"But we have grown accustomed to your constant presence." She brought a hand up to encircle his wrist. "We will miss you exceedingly."

He did not bother to voice an answer, merely pulled her back into his arms, mouth hungrily meeting hers.

Kanan struggled to remain separate, to not allow O'Neill's overwhelming emotions to pull him along with the force of his passion. But it was like asking a star to please stop shining so brightly. He was tired of fighting, tired of keeping himself always apart, tired of being incomplete. Just tired.

O'Neill would only be his host for a short while longer. Before they parted, Kanan wanted to feel alive again, to feel a rush of passion, even if it left him broken in the end.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You sure? Jack was almost afraid to ask the question. If the answer was no, well, he'd lived with disappointment before. And if it was yes? If it was, he was going to discover how it felt to perform with an audience in his head.

Freya's hands worked their way under the loose Tok'ra shirt, scorching a path across his waist and back. His brain blanked out momentarily when she arched into his body, sending his pulse thudding in his ears. Damn. Kanan was inside his own head and he couldn't hear him with the ringing.

He pulled back from their kiss, a deep breath heaving from his lungs. Resting his forehead against Freya's, he asked again. Are you sure?

No. The answer came quietly.

"Jack?" Her voice held uncertainty.

"Kanan." It was the only reply he could force out.

Her arms gentled, soothing rather than seeking. "I understand."

He was glad someone did. Folding her back into his arms, he concentrated on breathing, waiting for his pulse to even out. It'd been good while it lasted.

You ask the wrong questions, O'Neill. No, I am not sure this is the correct choice for us, but I wish it as well.

Jack froze. You mean yes.

I mean yes.

His hands clenched involuntarily around Freya's shoulders.

Yes.

She must have read the change in his sudden tension. The hands that had eased now blazed, her mouth hot along his neck. Dipping his head to meet her lips, Jack spared one final thought before giving into pure instinct.

Thank you.

Freya returned the kiss without hesitation, tongue reaching for his. Releasing her just long enough to grasp the bottom of his tunic and rip it over his head, Jack gasped as her mouth trailed over his chest, igniting a fire he hadn't felt in quite a while. Her hands joined his in working the few buttons on her shirt. The cloth fell to the ground with a quiet slap, her pale skin gleaming in the light of the room. Shoes and trousers quickly followed, leaving them both bare to the scrutiny of the other.

"You're beautiful. You know that, right?" Not one given to spouting compliments, Jack found the honest words coming out of his mouth without thought. He stepped closer, his hands tracing lightly up her torso. Her breasts rose and fell with each breath, their nipples tight and dark pink. Continuing the slide of his hands, he cupped the hot flesh gently. Her skin was so soft, living silk waiting for his touch.

"I do now." Arching her back, she reached up to grasp his neck. "I want your mouth on my body, Jack."

A grin split his face. "I think we can manage that one." Bending swiftly down, he took one nipple into his mouth, tongue stroking slowly over the tight skin. He felt her hands clench in his short hair. Her sharp reaction sent a jolt of sensation through him, snapping something inside.

He lifted his head, eyes meeting hers, their breathing no longer even. They stepped toward the bed simultaneously, hands reaching for each other. Jack pulled her down with him, the heat of her body searing, meeting his from toes to chest.

Limbs entwined, each giving and taking with every new sensation. Soft gasps filled the air, barely distinguishable murmurs whispered in passion. Bodies joined in unison, hands linked.

His eyes flew open and looked up to meet her slightly dazed gaze. Damn. She really was beautiful. And she's mine.

The thought brought a warmth to his chest that had nothing to with the sex, powerful as it was, and everything to do with quiet nights spent cuddled together and conversations as moving as they were painful. He cupped her face with one hand, curling up to meet her halfway. Despite the raging hunger he held barely contained, their kiss was gentle, a mere brushing of lips. Searching her eyes, he knew she felt it too.

Desire clawed at him and he couldn't hold still any longer. One followed the other in completion, a soft laugh filling both souls. A single moment of pure understanding, unable to be voiced, but felt all the same.

When he could see again, she was collapsed on his chest, her hair tickling his face. Her voice was a contented murmur. "That was most pleasurable, Jack."

He couldn't help it. A laugh bubbled up from his toes, her body shaking with its force. Pleasurable? Damn straight. "You could say that."

Propping herself up on his chest, she met his gaze. "Yes, I did."

The mirth faded, that peculiar warmth flooding him all over again. His throat closed on the words wanting to escape. It was too soon. He had to be sure of what he was really feeling. He couldn't trust his emotions just then with their orgasm still vibrating in the very air around them. She smiled softly, understanding full on her face. He really didn't deserve her.

With a soft kiss, she slid from his arms and crossed the room. He watched as she poured water over a cloth and cleaned herself with no shyness. Just tell her, that little voice prodded. It's not that hard.

But it was that hard.

He'd actually forgotten there was a third person involved. Freya had once said Anise would have to suffer if they had a physical relationship. But that had been before they'd gotten to know each other, before he'd come to accept Anise as her own entity. Had she just 'suffered' through their lovemaking?

Only he couldn't find it within himself to regret it, even if Anise hadn't been as enthusiastic about the idea as Freya had been. He wouldn't have traded their last weeks together for anything.

Suddenly, it wasn't that hard at all.

Rolling off the bed and to his feet, he walked the short distance to stand in front of her. He trailed the back of his hand down her cheek, lifting her face. His mouth opened, the words already forming when one delicate finger was laid against his lips.

"Shh. We will speak more tomorrow." She kissed his knuckles, a smile covering her face again. "For now, let us sleep."

Coward that he was, he took the easy way out and let her lead him back to the bed.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The sound of their mingling breaths sang in his ears. Freya's warm body lay along the full length of his right side, one leg curled possessively over his. He tightened his arm, gently pulling her even closer.

O'Neill slept. His mind, for the first time since their blending, was a low murmur of contentment. Unfortunately, Kanan could not say the same for his own.

His host's body hummed with leftover sensations, feelings he had long since thought he would never experience again. A quick mental scan confirmed his suspicion: the wall lay in shattered pieces with no possibility of rebuilding it. However much he might desire to place the blame squarely on O'Neill, he could not. He had agreed of his own volition, even knowing the probable outcome. O'Neill had held off acting on his feelings for the Tok'ra woman out of a sense of fairness. Kanan did not have to ask.

And now his moment of weakness would haunt him, torment him with its remembered beauty.

Easing away enough to stare down into Freya's face, Kanan took in the blond hair and delicate features. Anise had chosen well for her latest host, a mixture of strength and gentleness he had always admired. It was a combination rarely seen and so much more worth the noticing because of it. He wondered how he could never have recognized it in the Tok'ra woman. He had discovered it easily enough in Shallan.

The thought froze him, his left hand halting its lightly aimless caress of the arm draped over his chest.

Shallan. Ba'al's lotar. The woman he had used to gain access to Ba'al's secrets. The woman he had left behind to suffer any consequences after his escape.

Freya shifted in her sleep, drawing his attention once again. The subtle but distinct differences between the two women's appearances disturbed him. He was not one to second-guess his decisions. Once determined on a course of action, there was no need to hesitate or look back. Yet he was looking back now.

Was it because of O'Neill? Was this uneasiness within actually a feeling of guilt? They had carefully avoided any discussion of their work, each knowing the arguments it could foster. Even so, O'Neill's distaste for some of the memories of Kanan's actions that had slipped through their bond had been swift and decisive. O'Neill did not approve of leaving a teammate behind.

Should he have at least offered to bring Shallan with him? No, that would have been foolhardy. As it was, his host had been mortally wounded in the escape even without a servant along to drag him down.

But he should have offered.

Kanan slipped from the bed, leaving the warmth of Freya's body to pace the room. Where were these thoughts coming from? He had done nothing wrong. He had done his job and returned home.

And left her to take the brunt of any punishment.

For an instant, Kanan thought the voice was O'Neill's, that his host had awoken, but a quick check told him the opposite.

Shallan could still be saved.

That was insanity. There was no need to even think of it. Ba'al would not truly harm her. Would he?

Looking back to the woman sleeping peacefully on the bed, his face twisted. Their joining had sealed his fate. Forever was he bound to them yet without any hope.

The voice that was O'Neill's but was not sounded again. There is one who could replace her. She could fill the hole your leaving O'Neill will make.

This time he knew the thought was his own. If he went back for Shallan, maybe he could save them all.

Dressing quietly, he purposefully constructed a wall around O'Neill's sleeping presence. Bile rose in his gut at the action. Never had he blocked a host in this fashion. Never had he betrayed a host's trust in him. But if he was to succeed, it was necessary.

He stood silently at the side of the bed, Freya's soft breathing filling him with longing. Letting his fingers trail tenderly over her hair, Kanan kissed her softly, her warm breath caressing his cheek. "He loves you, Freya. I beg you to remember that."

Without a single look back, he strode for the door.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

A Slow Melding - Part 7

* * *

There was noise and turmoil, and he knew he had to go because it was his one opportunity, but for a brief second he hesitated to flee. Perhaps he should find some way to finally end it here, given the chance – regain some control over his life at least at the end of it. If he did run he was going to have to face what had happened, what he had become. There were no needle tracks or shards of broken glass within his veins, but they might have well have been there. Greed and hunger warred inside him and he stopped in his tracks, peering around the open door of his cell. Maybe it wasn't too late. Could he do this?

Should he?

A breath of wind pushed at him, making him take that first step – back to freedom and another form of imprisonment as soul destroying as that he left behind.

Slight movement was enough to warn him of a Jaffa's approach and he pounced, decision taken from him by the urgent demand for revenge. One of those things was growing inside him, just waiting to grab someone's life and crush it underfoot. All the years of training deserted him and with no finesse, his fists smashed into his enemy until the Jaffa lay silent upon the cold stone floor. Pausing he began to reach down, to pull the snakelet from its nest and squeeze the juices out of it until it died, but he stopped his actions before they had even begun. There was no time. And so he ran, interrupting his flight only to tug the lone human who shared his captivity along after him.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Nothing worked. Nothing was - right. Not one single thing. Behind the obvious, hiding within the shaking and the sweats and the constant nausea, something else hid. Something that lurked ready – waiting for him to acknowledge it.

It was feeding on him, taking from his flesh, from his bones, from his blood and marrow, and asking that it be refilled so it might feed again.

And he wanted to. He wanted to help it feed. He ached for it. Prayed for it.

Begged for it.

All he was, was need.

This was what he had dreaded.

People came and went, wiping him down, talking to him with soft, quiet words he could easily ignore. They knew what he needed. They could give it to him so effortlessly, but they refused.

After a time he stopped asking.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was cliched, but he really had no idea at all how long he'd been in the infirmary. It might have been days or weeks, or even months, but one thing he did know was he wasn't getting out any time soon. Fraiser had that determined look on her face, clearly showing it was pointless arguing. And truth be told, he didn't want to.

He was tired and he hurt all over.

So he lay, thinking how he came to this sorry state and wishing he could regain enough of himself to tell everyone to just get the hell out of his face and leave him alone.

Slowly, lit by the memories of torture and degradation, a spark flared deep inside him. It was fed with the sound of the Goa'uld's gloating and his own cries until it became intertwined so much he couldn't tell where the memories ended and the angry present began. But the memories were incomplete – huge holes gaping as deeply as the shaft he had fallen into when the web released him, and his mind circled around, searching to fill the gaps.

There was one overriding memory.

The bastard had taken him, used him, and then discarded him like a piece of worthless trash. Not Ba'al – Kanan. All the talk of coming to understand each other had been just so much bullshit. Kanan had only thought of himself, of getting what he wanted. Love – ha – it wasn't love he'd felt for Shallan – it was nothing but pure, unadulterated lust. How could a parasite be capable of such a human emotion as love? They just took the humanity from their hosts and twisted it to suit their own egotistical purposes. Jack laughed, hearing the slightly maniacal timbre in his own voice. Yes, Kanan wanted to get his rocks off with Shallan and he'd used Jack to do it. He had merely been a means to an end – a convenient dupe.

Twisting on the narrow infirmary bed, Jack held back the words he so wanted to shout. Just once more, just once – the SGC could get a sarcophagus from somewhere if they tried hard enough. Once was all it would take, and then he would beat this and be out of here and home where he could… What? What would he do? Find something else to substitute for the sarcophagus? Alcohol or perhaps even worse? No, it was best he stay right where he was. He could ride it out.

He'd done it before – done that whole strapped to the bed thing.

And old betrayal from years ago filled his mind with anger again. Faces he'd hoped to forget forever swirled past, overlaid with new ones.

Betrayal.

Kanan.

Freya.

She was the one he had done it for.

He drew his knees up, pressing them into his stomach as he lay on his side, the sheets wrapping his legs like a shroud.

They were all the same. Goa'uld. Tok'ra. Just snakes no matter what the name. Just fucking snakes!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A dull click told Jack the door of his small private room had opened, but he didn't bother looking beyond the images flashing across his vision to see who entered. Knives and blood and a terrible sense of helplessness had far too much of his attention to give even a tiny scrap to the nurse or doctor come to tend to his most basic functions. He knew a line of saliva ran down from the corner of his mouth but he hadn't tried to wipe it away, the slight pull on his skin another trigger for the hallucinations that inhabited almost every moment both waking and sleeping. Whoever it was could deal with it as well as the other far more repulsive signs of what he now suffered.

"Jack." Footsteps approached, slow at first, then rapid, as if running to get to him. "We were so afraid. I thought you were lost forever, but then the news came and I needed to see for myself that you were safe."

He ignored the words. The voice was part of his nightmares, a cornerstone on which the most terrible memories of betrayal were built. He had never expected, nor wanted, to ever hear it again, except during his worst delusions.

"Jack?"

With a savage movement born of fury he looked at her. She was standing beside the bed, her pale face fittingly inhuman in the subdued light of the SGC night. Reaching out a hand, she took one of his and held it in a grip he was too weak to break.

He did what he could. "Get away from me, you bitch!" Spit hit her chest, staining the grey tunic.

Flinching back, she took her hand from his. "Please … I …"

Whatever she wanted to say, he didn't want to hear. Shaking his head from side to side in an effort to summon up the words he needed, he let every moment of helplessness he had lived and relived since his kidnapping by Kanan burn through them. "Don't ask me for anything. You've taken enough already."

She appeared stunned, giving him a confused look as if she didn't understand. Not fooled for a moment, he continued, "What? Didn't you get enough data from your experiments? 'Subject appeared both physically and emotionally distressed.' Was that what this is all about? Human emotions? See how far one of we weak Tau'ri could be pushed before we cracked? Or was it just a game you were playing for some sick purpose all your own?" He muttered, not caring whether she heard or not, "I let down my guard because of you – because I trusted you. I thought you were different, but you're worse than the Goa'uld. At least they don't pretend to be anything other than what they are."

The snake made tears appear in her host's eyes. The drops slowly moving down her cheeks caused flashes of acid and agony. Jack embraced the moment, wishing for another death, hoping this rescue was an illusion and that he would die enough to be put into a sarcophagus so the void he felt inside could fill with power and completeness.

The quiet sobs were a distraction. The host was hunched over, clutching her arms around herself, the very picture of grief. It was amazing how easily appearances could deceive, Jack thought. She seemed so human, standing there, but she was so much more – a parasite hidden within controlling her every move, her every thought.

He closed his eyes, opening them again almost immediately, so he could watch her. Nothing was real. There was no truth, no honesty, no caring.

No love.

It was all an illusion – an evil trick.

"What Kanan did was unforgivable …" The snake's echoing tones punched a rift through him and the last remnant of her humanity ran out. Jack could see the stain turning her tears into rivers of blackness that reached out to bait him and suck him in.

This time he wasn't going to be trapped.

Fury incandescent inside him, Jack lifted his head, pulling at the restraints that bound his limbs to the bed.

"Go away! I don't want to ever see you again." Just the thought of what they had shared made his skin crawl, the memory of her flesh touching his making him swallow to hold back the bile. He struggled fiercely, trying to get to her, to hit her and break her just as he had been broken. But he couldn't, even now, despite what had happened, he couldn't do that to her. So he slumped back, his words no longer shouted. Instead they were desperately urgent. "Fuck off. The sight of you makes me sick."

He was already retching as she fled the room.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

A Slow Melding - Part 8

* * *

She had to run, had to escape, the sound of his sickness following her into the corridor. But the moment the door closed, her legs faltered, simply too weak to go any farther. One hand shot out to grasp at the wall, mindless of everything except the all-encompassing pain. She had always thought the Tau'ri phrase 'a broken heart' was simply a poet's method of painting a picture with words. Now, in that moment, she knew the truth.

She could not breathe. Her heart beat frantically, each pulse a heavy pounding in her ringing ears. The hand not clinging to the wall pressed against her roiling stomach.

"The sight of you makes me sick."

He had looked directly at her as he spoke, his face a mask of loathing. What has Kanan done?

He has destroyed us.

Anise's voice was shaking, something Freya had never thought she would hear. Seeing Jack bound to the bed, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling had stunned them both. But it was the unmitigated abhorrence in both his look and words that slashed at her insides. She looked down at the fist on her belly, surprised to not see the blood dripping from the gaping wound she knew was there.

"Anise?"

At Teal'c's soft inquiry, she froze. How long had he been standing behind her? Freya waited for her symbiote to take over, prayed for it, but Anise remained silent, agony radiating from her in waves. Drawing her shattered dignity around her as best she could, Freya wiped her cheeks and turned to face the Jaffa.

He stepped closer, his face concerned. "O'Neill is not himself. You know as well as I the aftereffects of sustained sarcophagus use."

Swallowing hard, she shook her head. Teal'c had heard more than enough. There was no point in prevaricating. "He meant every word."

"I do not-" He cut himself off and looked over at the closed door for a moment. "While O'Neill has not specifically spoken of it to me, or to any of our teammates, we all have speculated on the probability of a growing attachment between you and him."

Her heart twisted at his words. Could one diminish love to such a feeble phrase? "We have become, had become …" she stopped, unable to force anything more past her throat.

"He is angry, yes, but you know he will see reason once his body mends."

Forcing her spine to straighten, she gathered what little pride she had left. "Thank you, Teal'c. But I do not believe there is any way to heal this breach." Freya walked past him, her steps quiet in the corridor. Anise huddled in the back of her mind, still too distressed to do more. Eventually her symbiote would recover. Unfortunately, Freya could not say the same for herself.

"Give him time, Freya," Teal'c called after her. "He will place blame in its proper place."

The Jaffa sounded confident, but she knew Jack too well. Jacob had gotten her three days, that was all. Jack's anger would not melt and the joy they had found together would continue to lie in rubble at Kanan's feet.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Yet another opening door. Yet another unwelcome visitor. He hoped, if someone must intrude on his little private hell, that it was a nurse, come to wipe the vomit from him and give him a drink to sooth his ragged throat. Unfortunately it was someone far more dangerous.

The taste of bile and hatred was still cloying in his mouth and he coughed, trying to clear it.

"Should I summon assistance, O'Neill?"

He had known it was Teal'c as soon as the sound of his tread had become clear, but he found himself strangely reluctant to look at his long-time teammate and friend. There was one of those vile creatures inside him as well, just as there had been in the Jaffa he'd beaten to death in Ba'al's fortress.

But Teal'c was different, wasn't he? He had to be.

Reluctantly, he turned his head to face the other man, his gaze scanning for any changes and seeing none. He saw only what he had seen most days as they ate lunch together, or walked up the metal ramp toward the gate – nothing but a man the same as he.

"No, I …" Before he could finish the sentence Teal'c was reaching for the jug of water beside the bed and pouring a glass. He held it up to Jack's lips, his large hand reaching behind to support his head so he could drink.

A few small sips were enough to clear his throat and Jack moved his head a little to indicate he'd had enough. The glass was taken away and replaced by a cool, damp cloth as Teal'c gently cleaned off the signs of his sickness.

If only he could so easily remove the cause.

Jack shuddered, overcome with visions of maggot-like infant snakes crawling from his friend's hands to cross his exposed skin and burrow down deep inside him, nesting there to grow into beings of pure evil. Once again he swallowed hard, forcing the images back down along with the nausea. He was relieved when, with a last swipe across his chin, Teal'c finished and sat, still holding the cloth.

"Thanks." He wasn't past feeling a slight embarrassment at being in so vulnerable a position, but he was, at least, resigned enough to it to be grateful for the help he was receiving.

"You are welcome." Jack's attention was caught by the uncharacteristic sight of Teal'c twisting the cloth between his hands. Normally the Jaffa sat completely still, the very picture of composure, and to see such an obvious sign of nervousness was startling to say the least. "I met with Freya in the corridor outside your room. She was very distressed."

Ah – the cause of Teal'c's unease became clear, as the fury that had begun to die just a little flared back into life. "I don't give a shit."

And he didn't, because all he felt for the Tok'ra snake now was contempt.

"You will regret your words when you have regained yourself, O'Neill. I would like to help before the rift in your relationship with Freya becomes too great to bridge. Perhaps if you told me of the reason for your harsh actions this evening …?"

Wasn't it obvious? Surely he didn't need to spell it out, but apparently he did. "There is no relationship. She's a snake, pure and simple. She never was anything else."

Teal'c cocked his head to the side as if thinking over Jack's words. "They are Freya and Anise. Host and symbiote. Two beings in the one body, creating a whole."

"They're a puppet with a snake inside – a snake that's as close to the spawn of the Devil as you can find outside the Bible." He glared back at the other man before turning his gaze away to stare up at the ceiling. "I should know."

"I too have a symbiote inside me."

Jack could hear the question in the words and responded, even though Teal'c hadn't voiced it directly. "That's different. You're in control, not the other way around. Plus it wasn't your choice, not really."

Just as it hadn't been his. Sure, he'd said yes, but he hadn't been in his right mind at the time, and after – well, after he hadn't been in his right mind at all until the snake gave him to Ba'al. Knowing what he did now about how the snakes controlled their hosts, he knew whatever he had done or said while at the Tok'ra base had been while Kanan had been in charge. None of it had been him.

"O'Neill, I find myself speaking on Freya's behalf. She did not ask me to do this, however I have seen the depth of feeling she holds for you and that you once returned. What Kanan did was not something Anise would condone." Jack snorted as he listened, but Teal'c ignored him and continued, "It was not Freya or Anise that took your body, nor was it they that tortured and killed you. Please reconsider your words and speak with her once again."

Jack's mind flashed to those last moments before he fell asleep, before he woke to find himself alone and in Ba'al's hands. Feelings coursed through him, feelings that had him gasping with remembered passion and shivering with revulsion at the same time. The tremors increased, making his limbs shake within their restraints.

Weight settled on his chest, its solid presence grounding him enough to calm his pounding heart and slow his breathing.

Looking down at the hand pressed to him, he shook his head. "I know what you're trying to do, T, but you don't have all the information, you can't – you haven't lived it. I don't have anything to say to her."

Teal'c's hand pressed a little harder as he repeated his plea. "Please reconsider – for your own sake as well as theirs."

Jack shook his head again and the hand pulled back as two nurses entered. "I will take my leave of you now, O'Neill, but I shall remain close if you wish me to return."

As the door closed behind him, and the nurses began to strip the soiled sheets from beneath him, Jack closed his eyes, wishing the feeling of desolation coursing through him would go.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Reading the sentence for the fifth time, Freya found it made no more sense than the first. She set the stylus down carefully, afraid she would hurl it across the room in her frustration. It had been four months. Four long, torturous months. Jack's words continued to haunt her, his scathing refusal to see her before she left the SGC keeping her awake long into the deepest part of each night.

A little more time, Freya. That is all we require.

She smiled gratefully at Anise's attempt to raise her spirits. Her symbiote did not believe the lie any more than she did, but she appreciated the effort nonetheless.

Rubbing her gritty eyes wearily, she sighed. The simple report was nothing unusual, merely documenting the continuing failure to create a Tok'ra queen. Why could she not concentrate long enough to even finish reading the thing? It had been four months!

And six days, eleven hours, twenty-two minutes.

She could not even blame Jack for his anger. Kanan had betrayed them all. With Jack's fledgling understanding and acceptance of the Tok'ra, underlined by his mistreatment by Ba'al, how could he not condemn every host and symbiote as equally responsible?

But that knowledge did nothing to ease the wrenching pain she felt every moment.

A soft knock at the door lifted her eyes. Selmac stood in the entrance, a questioning look on his face. "Got a moment?" Jacob then, not Selmac.

"Of course." Freya forced a welcoming smile. "Please, be seated."

He leaned back in the chair, face solemn. "I know this really isn't my place," he said slowly, "but I'm worried about you."

She looked away quickly, eyes focusing on her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

"You'll have to forgive an old man for butting in where he's not invited, but I can't sit back anymore. I would have had to be blind to not see what was going on between you and Jack when he was here. And to not see the difference when you got back."

Freya did not speak. What could she say?

Jacob reached forward and took one of her hands in his. "He, uh, I take it he didn't react too well."

"No, he did not."

"Have you spoken to him since?"

She shook her head, Jack's harsh words ringing in her ears once more. "He refuses. He believes our feelings for him were part of an experiment." The words came out bitterly, the hurt suddenly overpowering her ability to hold it at bay.

Exploding to his feet, Jacob paced a few steps away before turning back to her. "I always knew Jack was a stubborn son of a bitch. I just didn't think he was stupid as well."

"You must concede he has every right to be angry."

"At Kanan," he retorted quickly. Returning to the chair, he took a deep breath. "He should be pissed at Kanan. But not with you. Hell, we still don't even really know why Kanan did it. Shallan wasn't of much help there. Apparently, Jack didn't tell her either."

Freya flinched at the name. She had not been able to work up the courage to meet with the lotar. The woman remained on the base, somewhere. "Is the why relevant? It happened. We cannot go back in time and undo the damage, no matter how much we might wish it."

"No, we can't," Jacob agreed quietly. He took her hand once again, his palm burning against her chilled skin. "So here's the real question: do you love him?"

The blunt question did not offend her. Of anyone she knew Jacob was the most fitting person to offer any kind of advice. Did she love Jack? Utterly and completely. Did she believe he would forgive Kanan and come to understand she had not lied to him? Not at all.

Meeting Jacob's eyes, she saw only genuine concern. Though Anise was silent, she knew her symbiote's answer as well as her own.

Nerves shaking every muscle of her body, she nodded.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Bra'tac's speech was pretty moving."

Jack nodded, smiling. "Yep, it sure was. Heart-felt."

"Very passionate." Jacob stretched his legs out, pushing a rock away with his left foot as he spoke, an answering smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

"Wily old coot. He had them all eating out of his hand."

"Not a dry eye in the house."

Both men gave a matching laugh as they caught each other's eye. Picking up a small stone from the ground beside where he sat, Jack tossed it idly from one hand to the next. Within a minute a second stone had joined the first, then a third.

"I didn't know you could juggle." Jacob was watching closely, looking rather surprised.

The stones circled faster. "One of my many hidden talents. I don't get much of a chance to practice." Jack nodded toward the P-90 clipped to his front, never missing a beat. "My hands are usually fully occupied."

"It's good to have a chance to relax after the last few days."

There was no need to answer. Jack just kept on juggling, the action of keeping the twirling stones in the air as therapeutic as a long hot shower to his aching body. The situation on the Alpha Site had been volatile enough as soon as the Tok'ra came through the gate, without the ashrak to further inflame matters. The SGC had lost some good men in the assassin's attacks, good men they could as little afford to lose as the Tok'ra or Free Jaffa.

Jacob shifted again, settling himself more comfortably against the trunk of the tall tree. "I was hoping for a chance to talk to you." At Jack's raised eyebrow, he continued, "Alone."

Jack's eyebrow rose even further. "I'm sorry, Jacob, but I just don't feel that way about you." A hard shove had the stones falling from his hands. "Hey! No need to get violent!" He winced as Jacob poked a finger into his upper arm.

"Shut up for a second, okay? I'm being serious here."

Seeing the other man's expression was no longer joking, Jack nodded. "Sure. What's the problem?" He assumed it was something related to the fragile Tok'ra/Jaffa truce, as why else would Jacob need to speak to him in private, so he was taken aback by his first words.

"What I said earlier … about your experience with Kanan …"

Interrupting, Jack bent to pick the stones up again, not looking at the man next to him. "We don't need to say anything else about that. It's done. Over."

"I had hoped, that after the events of the last day, you might have changed your mind about us."

"Like I said – I like you. I haven't changed my mind about anything."

"Or anyone?"

The stones were dropped before they had even begun to twirl and Jack found himself patting his weapon as if to reassure himself it was still there. "I don't know what you mean." He pushed up, beginning to stand, but was stopped by a firm hand on his arm holding him down with more than human strength.

"You know perfectly well what I mean, Jack. A blind man could have seen the attraction between you and Freya." Jack glared, but Jacob only stared back, an expression of censure on his face. "Don't look at me like that. The woman is heart-broken. She's barely eating. Or should I say 'they' – because Anise seems equally distraught. Surely you can't really believe you were nothing but an experiment …"

"So she came running to you, did she?" His temper flaring, Jack finally freed himself from the Tok'ra's grip. "It's got nothing to do with you anyway." He stood, brushing the dirt and twigs from his trousers, and spun, his feet already on the path back to the base.

Behind him he could hear the sounds of Jacob standing and he sped up a little, anxious to avoid the conversation before he said something to the retired general that he would regret.

"Only those you truly love have the power to truly hurt you."

What? What the hell did he mean by that? Since when had Jacob started talking like Oma Desala? Jack spun on his heels to find the Tok'ra standing almost on top of him.

"Are you so blinded that you really can't see the difference between Kanan and Anise, Jack? Really? What has she ever done to you except love you?"

"She didn't love me at all." He found himself shouting the words, a stabbing pain he had almost forgotten since he had been declared fit for duty pulsing behind his eyes.

A brief bow of the head and Selmac was there. "She did. She still does. Anise is not Kanan. She does not deserve your anger. You have shown here that you are capable of separating fact from falsehood. You distrust the Tok'ra and yet you acted fairly while discovering the true perpetrator of these violent attacks. Can you not be as fair to Anise?"

"For god's sake, Jack." He had looked away, so hadn't seen the transition from Tok'ra to host, but even if the voice hadn't given it away, the exasperation in Jacob's tone would have. "Give the poor kid a chance – hell, give yourself a chance. Don't be a stubborn fool and lose her." This time it was Jacob who walked away, but as he left he pushed something into Jack's hand, before striding off down the narrow path. "Here – you can drop them on the ground, or you can juggle with them – you decide."

Jack stared down at the three small stones. After a moment he tucked them into his pocket. He wasn't in the mood to juggle.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC

Authors' Note: We hope everyone who is reading this is enjoying it as much as we are enjoying writing it!


	9. Chapter 9

A Slow Melding - Part 9

* * *

It was very hard for her to understand why she was so affected by Jack's rejection. Anise gave a mental shake of her head. Colonel O'Neill. It was better to think of him as Colonel O'Neill now. She should never have thought of him as 'Jack'. It was inappropriate.

Anise glanced over the readings on the equipment attached to the volunteer asleep on the laboratory bed. Everything was proceeding as expected and this experiment would soon be complete. One more step forward in her research. She had managed to accomplish much in the months since she had been at the SGC.

Freya sighed.

What is wrong? Anise hesitated for a moment in picking up the long metal probe her hand had been reaching for. You know we must concentrate. A slip at this point could have dire consequences for Ronad.

It was not I who first lost concentration, her host admonished, you continue to think of Jack.

Knowing it was true Anise did not try to deny anything, instead, with resignation she replaced the probe on the table and turned to her assistant.

"We shall continue the experiment tomorrow. Please see that Ronad is taken to his room and when he awakens request he return here as soon as the morning work period begins."

She collected up her datapad and left the room, heading for her quarters. It was a little early to take a break, but she felt she needed to clear her head, and the privacy to do it.

I miss him so much.

Anise did not reply, but her steps sped up. There was silence as she walked and she assumed Freya had picked up on the desperation she felt growing with every minute that passed. It was with relief that she reached her room and sank onto the bed. Finally able to let loose the sense of over-whelming grief, she buried her face in her hands. We had agreed not to discuss Colonel O'Neill.

Jack. His name is Jack. The voice in her head sounded as sad as she felt.

We must forget him. We must. She almost spoke the words aloud.

We cannot forget him. We love him.

Such a simple statement and yet it held far too much meaning for both host and symbiote. Anise could stay silent no longer. She sobbed into her hands, tears running freely down her cheeks. She could deny what they both knew no longer. Without Jack O'Neill in their life they were just going through the motions of living, taking no pleasure in it. Without his love they were incomplete.

And there was nothing they could do.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

His chest burned, a point of insidious fire that wormed its way ever deeper into his flesh. He squirmed on the grate, hands clenching repeatedly. And the bastard just sat and watched, a look of amusement on his smug face as he let the acid do his work for him.

"What was Kanan's mission?"

It was relentless. The Goa'uld asked the same questions over and over. All Jack could give was the same answers he'd used for who knew how many days now. "I don't know." The fire spread through his lungs, stopping his breath for a moment. God that hurt.

"What was his mission?" One hand reached out to pick up the small golden bottle and twirl it between long fingers, light sparking over the glass.

Jack closed his eyes, weary of it all. When was it going to end? "I don't know."

"He is lying."

The new voice ripped his eyes open to stare in dread. The acid eating its way happily through his chest was forgotten. Freya, no it was Anise, strode across the room calmly, head cocked to one side. She stopped a few feet away, her eyes meeting his with no expression whatsoever.

"He is lying," she repeated.

"How do you know?"

She sent a look over her shoulder to the Goa'uld. "Because he was blended. He knows all Kanan did."

No I don't. He wanted to shout it, but couldn't force so much as a croak past his throat. A tiny part of him had refused to believe she'd done it, had insisted she hadn't betrayed him. That gasping part of him simply up and died without a sound, leaving him an empty shell.

"Then what is your suggestion?"

Anise moved to the table of instruments Jack had been intimately introduced to and carefully selected a knife. "We will do nothing. His mind will do everything."

Watching in agonized silence, Jack couldn't even blink when she raised the knife and levelled it at his heart. Blank eyes stared into his and he found one last thought floating through his mind as the blade slid effortlessly through cloth, skin and bone. Maybe this time he wouldn't wake up. But as darkness sucked his vision away, he knew he wasn't that lucky.

Hours or minutes could have passed before the familiar bright light flared over his eyelids, sending a searing pain along the nerves into his brain. He knew his heart was beating, could feel each frantic thump-thump in his chest, but nothing else felt real. The thought that Freya had given him over to Ba'al was one thing, to have it slapped in his face quite another.

Completely numb, he simply waited for the Jaffa to haul his sorry ass out of the sarcophagus. There was nothing Ba'al could do to him anymore. Freya's betrayal had succeeded where all the knives and acids and deaths had failed. He was broken. See Jacob? She never loved me.

He forced a breath into his lungs, idly wondering why harsh hands hadn't pulled him from his second home. It didn't really matter. He had nowhere else to be.

A quiet ticking eased its way through the haze clouding his brain. That was new. And why didn't his hands tingle? They always had before. Cracking one eye open, Jack frowned at the lack of Goa'uld decor. He wasn't lying in the sarcophagus. He was lying on his couch, the light from the muted TV flashing over the room.

It was a dream, one he'd thought he'd banished over two months before. Sitting up swiftly, he ran shaking hands over his face. The actual memories of those horrible days seven months ago were a jumble of confusion and agony and he fought to separate dream from reality. He did know that Anise hadn't truly been present. That facet was a new one, one he could very happily have done without. Had First put it there? Planting it for Jack to find like a belated surprise present?

The bastard had seemed to take an inordinate amount of pleasure from watching Jack's complicated relationship with the Tok'ra. While First had replayed every moment they'd spent with one another over and over like a favourite movie, Jack had struggled to keep from puking up his guts. Bile filled his throat and mouth, burning in a way Ba'al's acid could only dream of. But he couldn't move away from the hand shoved into his head. Couldn't close his eyes to the images. Couldn't stop the remember feelings from tightening his chest and groin.

Shoving to his feet, he clicked off the TV, plunging the room into darkness. His pulse finally slowed, the tremors decreasing with each passing moment. Unfortunately, as the internal thundering left his ears, it took up residence in his head. At least he knew what to do about that particular pain. Fraiser had warned him the migraines could last a while longer and had released him to his house that afternoon only with his promise of actually taking the meds she'd given him.

Slitting his eyes against the darkness that suddenly wasn't dark enough, he walked the few steps to the jacket he'd tossed carelessly aside when he'd gotten home. The bottle clicked as he spun the top, removing one of the tiny pills. This was one order he didn't mind following at the moment. He'd been in more than enough pain lately to appreciate what his younger self hadn't: relief from a little physical pain did wonders for the mental stuff as well.

Pill swallowed, Jack made his way through the house, not bothering with any lights. He needed some real rest. Maybe when he woke up tomorrow he'd find the past year had been a nightmare as well.

Even as he curled into his sheets, he knew he wasn't that lucky.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was a simple matter, so simple that it should not be causing her so much difficulty. Taking a deep breath, Freya leaned into the microphone.

"This is Freya of the Tok'ra."

The response came after a brief pause. "This is General Hammond. How can we be of help?"

Ask him.

She gave a mental shake of her head. Do not be in so much of a hurry. We must be circumspect.

It was unusual for Freya to be in the position of telling Anise to be cautious, normally it was she giving the warnings, but things had changed greatly since the symbiote's affection for Jack had grown to match hers. Now she was the cautious one.

"I was told of SG-1's recent encounter with human-form replicators. Are there any residual effects from the invasive method of interrogation used?" She was quite pleased at having couched her enquiry in terms that would appear purely professional.

From the general's response it seemed she had succeeded in allaying suspicions, perhaps a little too well.

"If there are any test results my medical staff feel are significant enough to share, I will see they're passed on. Was there anything else I could help you with?" His tone was extremely abrupt and Freya could picture him frowning, impatient for the conversation to be concluded.

You did not get an answer.

I know. What am I to do? I can hardly ask straight out if Jack is injured.

Why not? If you are unable to do so, allow me to.

She shook her head. No, such a question would appear strange coming from you. Feeling Anise's despondent acknowledgement of her point she hastened to comfort her. They do not know you as I do. They only see the scientist.

There was no answer from her symbiote and she was not sure if she had not done more harm than good with her hurried excuse. It was hard for anyone – Tok'ra or Tau'ri – to see behind the cold facade Anise erected. Jack was one of the few to have eventually done so.

She swallowed down her hesitation and spoke. "Are Colonel O'Neill and the rest of his team uninjured?"

"For the most part. Teal'c, Major Carter and Jonas are all fully recovered."

"And the colonel?" Her heart sped up and Anise did nothing to correct it.

Again there was a hesitation as if Hammond was reluctant to give further information. "He's suffering severe migraines. Doctor Fraiser assures me they should be temporary."

"Perhaps if I examined …"

This time the response was immediate as the general interrupted. "Thank you, but there is no need for that. The SGC's medical staff have the situation completely under control. As I said before, results of any significance will be sent to you."

He thinks we are only enquiring for selfish reasons. He does not understand. It is to be expected.

Freya was not prepared to give up so easily. "There could be something we could do to help the colonel. Would you allow us to visit?"

"Just one moment."

A low murmur of voices could be heard from the microphone, and Freya was sure one was that of Major Carter. Snatches of conversation echoed through the connection.

"… the colonel feels about … last person he'd …"

"Especially after … he said he didn't want to see …"

She had been so intent on trying to hear what was being said that General Hammond's voice speaking to her directly made her start. She experienced a feeling of slight guilt, almost as if she had been caught out.

"I'm sure you understand Colonel O'Neill isn't exactly receptive to the thought of undergoing more experiments at the moment, especially Tok'ra ones."

Let me answer.

Unable to think of a reply, Freya deferred to her symbiote.

"We do not wish to experiment on Colonel O'Neill. Despite what you may think, we do not have solely selfish motives for wishing to help."

"Despite that, I cannot give permission for you to visit the SGC at this point in time if your only purpose is to speak with the colonel." There was another pause. "If that was all …?"

"Very well. Please convey my best wishes to the colonel. I hope that when next we speak he may think better of us."

The conversation ended. It was only after several minutes of silence that Freya felt calm enough to speak.

It is over. I am so sorry, Anise. It is my fault. I should never have let my emotions affect us so strongly. You were right – it is better that the head rule than the heart.

She felt Anise's thoughts stroke lightly across her and the touch gave her some comfort. No. I was not correct, Freya. The love you have for Jack has shown me that there must be balance in all things. I am grateful for the experience. Without it I would not have known what it was like to truly feel. I will never regret it.

Will this emptiness ever leave? Freya did not know what she expected Anise to say, she just knew that she needed an answer from the only being that could give her one.

No, I fear it will not. But if that is the price we have to pay for such feelings, then I will accept it gladly.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He was crawling out of his skin.

They'd left him with nothing but the BDUs that weren't his. No books, no paper, no nothing. His reputation had certainly preceded him and it had backfired with the precision of that sniper rifle he was accused of using. His rank and his training had earned him a special room all by himself in the isolation ward. All he had was his thoughts and they were the only things he couldn't afford to have.

Restless energy burned in his veins until he was literally shaking with the need to do something. He'd done more push ups since his incarceration than he'd done in the past ten years in an effort to bleed off enough energy to at least let him relax. And still he couldn't escape the jittery feeling inside.

Carter and Jonas had visited four days ago and he'd heard nothing since. He just had to hold on a little longer. His team wouldn't quit until they'd found the truth. He had to hold it together until then. He could only hope they figured it all out before he was transferred to D.C.

Their plan was a good one. Once Carter had found the missing replication device it hadn't taken long to make an educated guess at what had happened. The NID was in a heap of trouble if Jack ever got his hands on the people who'd come up with the idea of framing him in the first place. He didn't care if they were already in prison.

The resounding bang of the far door slamming shut pierced the uneasy quiet , but he didn't allow his hopes to get up. The first couple of days after Carter's visit he'd waited at his solid door for the guard to unlock it and release him to blessed freedom, but as the minutes had passed each time, he'd realized it wasn't going to happen. Every repetition had left him edgy and even more aware of how close the walls were.

One hundred, eighty-one. That's how many tiles hung above his head, only seventeen without damage of some kind. He'd memorized the disjointed pattern they made, could see it when he closed his eyes. God, how much longer was he going to be cooped up in there? At least in Ba'al's fun factory he'd had Daniel for a little company.

No. Don't even go there. Rolling off the bed, he shook himself like a dog, shaking off the sudden feeling of things crawling over his flesh. Think of something else. Anything else.

A flash of blond hair and a gentle smile came and went so fast if he hadn't been in isolation he wouldn't have noticed it. Don't think of that either.

Sinking to the chilly floor, he crossed his legs carefully, letting the muscles stretch into the new position. He'd tried everything else. Why not give Teal'c's kel'no'reem a shot? Maybe it was because he was using all his usual tricks that nothing was working.

He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. He held the breath for a second then released it through his nose slowly. Another breath and he found his fingers tapping out an unconscious rhythm on his knees. Glaring down at the offending digits, he curled his hands into fist. Come on, Jack, concentrate. You've done this before.

It could have been minutes or it could have been hours later before his brain settled, every muscle in his body relaxed and loose. Letting his mind wander idly, he kept his focus on breathing evenly. Images flew across the insides of his eyelids, some disturbing, some full of joy, but it was like he was watching a movie about someone else's life. They were just pictures.

Every now and then, the images would pause, a memory bringing a small smile to his face. Others brought a slight frown, but all were a part of him. They were what made him who he was.

Laughing green eyes smiled up at him as he wiped pizza sauce from the corner of an upturned mouth. A warm hand in his as they walked through the park by his house at dusk. Gentle fingers touching his mouth, halting words that were bursting to be said. A desolated face staring across a chasm he'd carved with cruel words before frantic steps carried them to the door.

Only those you truly love have the power to truly hurt you.

Jacob's words echoed, ringing throughout his entire being. Jack's eyes flew open, the truth finally glaring him straight in the face. What had he done?

He'd let his fury at Kanan focus on the easiest target, the one person who hadn't deserved it. The one person who could have eased him through his recovery just by her presence. But he'd revelled in his righteous anger, convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt he knew the absolute truth. Even when people way smarter than he was shoved the real truth in his face.

He had been right about one thing, though. He didn't deserve her. And she didn't deserve to be put through his own personal brand of torture again. Almost eight months had passed. What right did he have to show up and upset her life all over again? He'd thrown her out without a second thought and given her even less than that in the time since.

No. It was better to leave things as they were. Freya had a generous nature and would eventually look back on their time together with some small fondness. It was the best he could hope for.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

Startled, he looked up to see the door was standing open, an SF staring down at him on the floor.

"Sir, the charges against you have been dropped. You're free to go."

Jack got the feeling the man was repeating himself. How lost in thought had he been? "Thanks," he replied, easing himself out of his seated position. Thighs and knees protesting slightly at the change in attitude, he pushed himself to his feet and followed the young sergeant out the door without the indignity of being chained hand and foot, and without a single look back. There was nothing in the tiny cell for him to pack.

"It'll be about an hour before we can get you out of here, sir," the SF explained as he led Jack down the bare white corridors toward the processing station. The younger man looked over with a shrug. "The paperwork."

Right. His life had just rearranged itself and now he was waiting on paperwork. "It wouldn't be the military without it."

The SF grinned and opened the final door with a key from his belt. "Just see the tech sergeant at the counter and he'll get your belongings signed back over to you."

"Thanks," Jack said, but the other man was already returning the way he'd come. Belongings. Right.

Five minutes later he was inventorying everything he'd been wearing the day they'd arrested him with another sergeant, each item checked off and stuffed into a large bag.

"BDUs, jacket and trousers. Ball cap. Boots. Socks. Underwear. Wallet, I.D. card, driver's license, forty-two dollars, sixteen cents. Sunglasses. Key ring with five keys." The litany hesitated and Jack looked up from the bag to meet questioning eyes. "Three rocks? You carry around three rocks?"

Jack reached for the stones nonchalantly. He never had managed to get rid of those things. "A friend of mine gave them to me to remind me when I'm being stupid."

"Huh. That's one I've never heard before, sir."

A clipboard was placed before him, his possessions clearly listed in block letters. He carefully placed the stones in the bag then signed automatically on the line the sergeant indicated. "Okay. What's next?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The heavy door clanged shut behind him, the sound of freedom never sweeter in his ears. His BDUs were a comforting weight, their familiar feel reassuring him he didn't have to go back into that tiny cage. Slipping his sunglasses on, he stepped out with a purpose toward the waiting vehicle leaving the doubts and hollowness of the isolation hall behind.

SG-1 was arrayed around one of the SGC's sedans, obviously waiting for him to appear. Their presence filled him with confidence. He was doing the right thing. He just wasn't cut out for a relationship with a Tok'ra. For a while he'd forgotten that and look at the damage he'd caused. He slipped a hand into his pocket, fingering the three small stones the guard had given him such a hard time over. Jacob had once told him to either juggle them or drop them. He'd stalled long enough.

Swiftly, so he couldn't change his mind again, he grasped the stones and pulled them from his pocket. Freya would move on, if she hadn't already. His life would continue with SG-1 to keep him grounded. They were all he needed.

He released the small stones, their tinkling a quiet duet with the sound of his footsteps.

"It's good to see you back in your uniform, sir."

"Yeah," he replied absently, opening the passenger door. One foot in the sedan, he turned back to look one last time at the stones he'd carried for four long months. "Yeah. Let's get out of here."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

A Slow Melding - Part 10

* * *

Boots off. Check. Ugh. Sorry, guys. Foot powder in stinky boots. Check. Uniform off and exchanged for civvies. Check. Locker closed and keys in hand. Check and check. 

"Have a good evening, Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c," Jonas called as he headed for the door, completed with his own after mission ablutions.

Responding with a nod and a grunt, Jack picked up his jacket, not disappointed at all to have a nice long break until SG-1's next scheduled mission. He'd never thought he'd ever get to this point, but maybe he was starting to get a little old to be traipsing around the galaxy, saving everyone he came in contact with. Maybe he was just getting old, period.

He slipped the jacket on, tucking his keys in one of the pockets, along with the depressing thoughts. "You still coming out tomorrow night, T?"

"Of course."

"Good. See you then." He waved his goodbye with one hand and turned to leave. There was a barbeque and some hot dogs just calling his name somewhere.

"O'Neill."

Teal'c's voice trailed off, an unusual enough occurrence to send Jack's trouble sensor through the roof. Turning back to look at his friend, he raised both eyebrows. "What's up?"

The Jaffa stood, hands moving to clasp behind his back. He paused before speaking, as if trying to choose the best words. "I was hoping you would tell me."

He wanted to pretend he didn't know what Teal'c was talking about, but his friend deserved better than that. So he settled for a partial truth. The full deal was simply too fresh on his conscience and on his battered body. "I'm just tired, T. It's been a long year." And that was the understatement of the century.

Teal'c nodded, understanding flashing across his face. "It has been a time filled with much upheaval." He paused, eyes shifting away for a moment. "Both professional and personal."

It was the closest to digging for information Jack had ever heard from Teal'c in the six years of their friendship. For a split second he was tempted by the offer to spill his guts, to just get it all out in the open, to get it off his chest. His pride and arrogance, his sheer bull headedness, his decisions made in anger and pain, all of it swamped him, weighing him down. What would it feel like to have it gone? His mouth opened, the words ready to burst free.

And found something else entirely escaping.

"I just need to get some rest. You know, a chance to put things back in perspective. I'll be fine." Damn. So maybe he wasn't as ready to talk about it as he thought. The weight settled more firmly on his shoulders, sinking through the leather of his jacket and into his bones.

Teal'c stood, a frown pulling at his lips. "I have no doubt that you will be fine eventually," he said, stressing the last words slightly. "But there is no reason for you to struggle alone. Sometimes even the strongest of us need help to carry our burdens."

Jack knew he was speaking from personal experience. The two of them had been through hell and back together. Almost died more times than he could count anymore. Had suffered physical injuries they shouldn't have been able to recover from. Had received emotional blows to cripple even the most stable of individuals. And yet they were still standing, still fighting. They weren't beaten yet. All he needed was some time.

"Maybe next year will be quieter."

Teal'c's face tightened for a moment before understanding chased the tension away. Jack knew his friend understood what he was really saying. With a nod, Teal'c moved towards the door. He paused next to Jack, one hand reaching out to clasp his shoulder. "One can merely hope." A single squeeze of firm pressure and he was gone.

Quiet filled the small room as the door shut. Staring blindly at the door to his locker, Jack breathed through the tightness in his chest. Yeah, next year had to be better. There couldn't possibly be more for the universe to throw at them.

Halting that thought before it went any further, he turned with a snap and left the locker room. He had a weekend with no catastrophes planned and he was determined to enjoy it.

The ride home was a balm of normalcy, the weather keeping its promise of clear skies and pleasant temperatures. It looked like his barbeque plans were still on. Thirty minutes after arriving home, the charcoal was smouldering, the dogs were simmering and not once had he allowed his brain to do more than remain perfectly empty. There would be no deep thinking authorized for the next two days.

A swallow of beer chilled its way down his oesophagus, hitting his stomach with a shiver. It was past time to eat. Burning flesh assaulted his nose as he stepped out onto the small deck, mouth watering at the smell. Dogs, meet stomach acid.

He froze. One of his hot dogs was missing. Damn, damn, damn. Why now? This was supposed to be a weekend off. Without turning he knew who the thief was.

"I helped myself. I hope you don't mind."

Yep. He hated it when he was right.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"So, Jack."

As soon as Harry opened his mouth, Jack knew he wasn't going to like it. The not very well hidden smirk didn't help ease the certainty. "Whatever you're about to say, don't. I'm pretty sure I don't want to hear it."

"But I've been dying of curiosity for over a year now."

"Then I know you can keep dying for quite a while longer." He stalked forward through the thick grasses, determined to walk the questions out of the man. Maybourne had blackmailed them all into letting him step foot through the Stargate, but he'd be damned if he let the smug bastard dictate the rest of this trip. Harry'd open the doorway, SG-1'd get the stuff and then they were hauling his ass back to Earth. As long as he was in generally the same shape as when he'd left, General Hammond wouldn't be too upset. Nothing in the agreement said Jack had to play twenty questions with the man.

"This will probably be my last chance to find out," Harry muttered, just quiet enough that Jack was sure he wasn't supposed to hear. When nothing but the sound of grass rustling against itself filled the space between them, the man ploughed right on. "So who was the blonde?"

Jack's feet simply stopped moving. Of all the things that could have come out of Maybourne's mouth that was the last he'd expected. Harry kept walking, the smirk widening to a grin he threw over his shoulder. Forcing his legs back into motion, Jack cursed himself for reacting. Now there was no way Maybourne was going to let it go.

"Come on, Jack. I saw the kiss. And all that time I thought you and Major Carter had a little thing going."

He was going to choke the other man. Was there anything he could say to shut him up? "The blonde," he stressed carefully, refusing to give Maybourne her name, "was a …" What did he call Freya now? Ex-lover? Friend? Someone he'd torn to pieces? "Co-worker." That was safe enough. And still the truth, sort of.

Turning around to walk backwards, Harry held both arms out to his sides. "You got to give me more than that. There was a whole lot more than 'co-workers' going on that night."

Pushing past him, Jack bit his lip to keep from snapping at him. Anything he said would simply add fuel to the flames. All he had to do was last until they got to the ruins and his team. He could do it. Really. And then Maybourne went on.

"Fine, Jack. Since you won't tell me, I'll just have to ask the rest of SG-1. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to give me the scoop. She seemed like a really nice piece-"

Maybourne's voice cut off with a strangled yelp. Twisting his hands even further into the borrowed uniform jacket, Jack yanked the other man up close and personal. He blinked furiously to clear the haze that filled his vision, pulse thudding in his ears. He hadn't realized he'd moved and suddenly Harry's stunned face was inches from his. "Just stop right there, Maybourne. This conversation is finished."

When Harry quickly nodded his agreement, Jack eased away, releasing his grip. What the hell had just happened? He wasn't in the habit of jacking somebody up for asking a few personal questions, even if he was an annoying, two-timing, back-stabbing, pain in the ass. Harry had scrambled a good ten feet back, eyes wide. With a sigh, Jack shook his head, wincing as the pounding centered behind his eyes. Great. Another headache. That was all he needed to make his day complete.

"Let's just get to the ruins, Harry." As an apology, it wasn't much, but it was the best he could offer. "Then we can go home."

Without a word, Harry strode past, hands straightening his jacket. Jack watched him for a moment, thoughts far away from alien ruins and strange doorways. Shaking himself roughly back to the present, he took a comforting hold of his P90 and started walking. When he got back to Earth, he was getting that time off. No question about it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

For a moment Anise had the rather ridiculous notion that the figure walking toward her from the now deactivated gate was Jack O'Neill. But it was only a fleeting thought, dispelled as soon as the man came fully into view. The other Tok'ra waiting with her stood as still as she, watching as he approached.

"Hello. I'm Jonas Quinn." He smiled, his expression open and friendly. "Thanks for the offer of help, we aren't getting anywhere in finding Colonel O'Neill."

"I only hope we can be of some assistance," Sina replied, taking on the role of spokeswoman as she gestured to her companions. "We four are the most knowledgeable on the subject of alien technology on the base at this time. Between us, we may be able to help." She led the way to the ring platform as she continued. "Colonel O'Neill has been missing for some time?"

"Yes, he and Colonel Maybourne have been lost for almost three weeks now. From Jalrow's scan of the surface of the planet the device was found on we know they're no longer there, but we don't know where else to look."

The rings activated and after a brief moment of transit they were in the corridors of the base. Repositioning the large roll of papers in his hand, Jonas Quinn peered around in an obvious display of interest.

He does not appear to be concerned by Jack's disappearance. Freya's words held more than a note of criticism and Anise took a moment to examine the new member of SG-1 more fully.

She was taken aback to find Jonas Quinn looking straight back at her. He gave a quick nod as if in recognition.

"You're Anise. I'm very glad to finally meet you." He paused, looking a little uncomfortable. "Or is it Freya? Sorry, I still haven't quite worked out the protocol of these things."

"I understand." She let her voice tell the man what he needed to know. "It can be confusing when you first talk with us."

They had reached the entrance to the information center and were soon standing beside a large table. Jonas Quinn unrolled the papers and spread them out. "This is all the information we have. I brought the translations I've made of the inscriptions as well."

It was some time before anyone spoke as they perused the information. "This device is unfamiliar to me." Thelass was bent over the plans, his brow furrowed in concentration. "Does anyone else recognise the technology?"

Both Sina and Kelmaa shook their heads, but Anise leaned closer. "It does have some resemblance to artifacts we have seen many years ago. I will have to search my archive to be sure."

"Anything could help – anything. We're at a dead end now."

"I shall begin immediately." She turned to the other Tok'ra. "There is no need for you to remain. I will report any progress to the Council."

It was a dismissal and they knew it. As one they nodded their acceptance and left the room without argument.

Jonas Quinn gave a small wave to their backs. "Ah, thanks again." He waited a moment, but when his farewell was not acknowledged he turned back to Anise. "What can I do to help?"

"I do not think there is anything you can do at this juncture. Perhaps you would prefer to await any developments in our eating facilities?"

With a shake of his head, he pulled out a stool and sat. "Nope. I'm fine here. You just go ahead with whatever you need to do."

Does he never stop smiling? Anise had to smile herself at the petulant tone in Freya's voice. It was obvious she had taken an instant dislike to the man.

A sudden thought passed through Anise's mind, too slowly to conceal from her host. Could it be that Freya was jealous?

I have no idea what you mean.

The thought was frosty and Anise grimaced. She had not wanted to cause her host distress. I apologize, it is just that Jonas Quinn has been in close contact with Colonel O'Neill for several months.

And?

She knew not to pursue the matter further, not when Freya spoke to her like that. It was not worth the aggravation – for either of them.

Again, I apologize. She concentrated on her equipment, searching for the reference she thought she remembered. There was silence for quite some time and she was beginning to despair of locating what she looked for.

"You know the colonel well." It was not a question, so Anise ignored it. "Sorry, I'm interrupting."

"Yes." The single word appeared enough to silence the man, but she was wrong.

"You must be worried about him. I know we are. Major Carter is working night and day to try to figure out the device on the planet."

She has not been of much help, though, has she.

The comment from Freya was so ill-natured that Anise was taken aback. She took a moment to compose herself before admonishing her host. You are jealous. This time she did not try to hide the thought.

No. The response was immediate and definite. There is nothing wrong with Major Carter's actions. Jack holds her in the highest of esteem. It is just… There was a sigh… All right, I will admit that the thought of others being able to talk to Jack – to see him… Again there was a pause before Freya continued. It hurts that others can have what we cannot.

Yes, it does. But we cannot resent them. Do you not wish for him to continue with his life – to be happy?

Of course not. Anise felt Freya's horror at the very notion. We must do all we can to help them find him.

"It would be a pity to lose Colonel O'Neill." That was impersonal enough, surely, she asked Freya as she spoke. "He is valuable in our war against the Goa'uld."

It would be far more than a pity and he is valuable to us as well.

"Sorry, I thought you … it's just that I'd heard …"

"The Tok'ra have no interest in gossip." She moved her fingers over the controls, turning to another database.

"You and the colonel aren't together? In a relationship?"

She stood frozen. Together. Had they ever been together, really?

"I'm sorry. I seem to have put my foot in it. I really thought you were more than just friends, at least that's the impression I had." He gave yet another of his wide smiles. "I hope I haven't embarrassed you."

"Not at all. It is of no consequence." Looking at him, she hoped he would say no more on the subject. Already she could feel Freya's misery resurfacing and fought hard to not let it overwhelm her as well. She needed to keep a firm control on her emotions. She was Tok'ra, and a Tok'ra did not act in such a way.

The small screen blinked, giving her yet another negative result.

Perhaps Jack said something to Jonas Quinn? Should we ask?

I thought we had agreed it was over – that there was no point in trying to hold on to something that is no longer there?

"Did you find something?"

Shaking her head, she turned away from the equipment. "There are some references to two devices with superficial resemblance to this one, however the information is sketchy at best and has no further details than those you already have."

"If we went and looked at them – "

She shook her head once more. "The only two we have records of were substantially damaged and are on Goa'uld occupied worlds. There would be no purpose in risking lives to examine them. You are welcome to take whatever information we have back with you."

She wanted this encounter to end. It brought far too many memories to the surface, memories she kept safe, far down deep within her where they could be cherished. "I am sorry I could not be of further help."

The smile vanished completely, the serious expression hidden beneath becoming visible. "So am I."

Their eyes met and Anise found a genuine concern for Colonel O'Neill within them. "If any more information becomes available …"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC

Authors' note - Did anyone spot the mistake in the last part? We would like to pretend it was deliberate - lol. It has been corrected. So, if anyone out there is actually reading this story, send us a quick review and tell us how silly we were. Go on - anyone?


	11. Chapter 11

A Slow Melding - Part 11

* * *

"Oh, Harrrry!" Jack couldn't help the sing-song drawn out ending of his old adversary's name. It just seemed so right somehow – like they were playing a very deadly game of hide and seek.

He slipped cautiously around the corner of the hut, his gun ready. Still no sign of the bastard, not since he woke this morning.

Blinking , he reached his free hand up to brush the hair back from his forehead before taking another careful step out into the open space between the nearest ruins.

Damn but his head was aching. Probably Harry's fault. If it wasn't for him, Jack wouldn't be in this shit.

What was that noise? He spun, his eyes darting to and fro. Maybe Harry was right and there were others here with them, watching their every move since day one. With a burst of energy he tore across the open space, tucking and rolling into the remains of a doorway. In a split second he was turned to face outwards, on his stomach, his weapon ready.

Long minutes passed.

Finally Jack had to admit to himself that there was nothing in the campsite with him. No aliens, no creatures, and no rat bastard.

He was completely alone.

Birds twittered mockingly in the nearby trees. The long grass tossed gently in the breeze. And the pounding of Jack's heart was deafening in the stillness.

When had he become scared of being alone?

Shaking the dirt from his clothes, he stood, hunched over slightly as the pain behind his eyes rose at the movement. There was no point staying here, waiting to be cornered. Instead he would take the hunt out into the woods, find Harry and… And what? Dispose of him? Eliminate him as a threat? Because there were threats all around and getting rid of Harry would mean one less to worry about. It wasn't like the slimy rat wasn't trying to do the same to him – why else would he have stolen Jack's P90? There wasn't anyone else here. No one but him and Harry. No one.

The grass moved.

They were watching.

He dropped again, taking cover behind a log.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Thirst drove him out of the ruined village. Thirst and the urge to hunt. One he could ignore – the other forced his hand. Up he climbed into the trees, retracing his steps when he explored during their first days there. Carefully watching where he trode, leaving no traces of his passing for others to follow, he moved silently through the thick scrub. He should have brought his canteen of water with him. Too late now. There were more important things to worry about than a little discomfort.

He licked his lips, feeling an odd numbness growing, as if his mind was slowing as his senses became hypersensitive. It was as if he was there, in the forest, and yet not there – like one of those out of body experiences the New Age hippies used to go on about. He could hear every sound with an intensity that made him cringe, while at the same time his body began to betray him, making him stumble over a tiny obstacle and almost fall.

Something wasn't right.

He tripped again, just managing to catch himself before he fell.

His concentration was shot – wandering around like a lost child in a fairground. His neck was stiff from twisting about, his hands scratched where he had pushed aside bushes looking for –

Harry.

It was all Harry's fault.

A blaze of fury ignited inside him. Harry was doing this deliberately. He'd probably planned it all along – get Jack away from his team, play with him like a cat playing with a mouse.

Well, he wasn't a mouse. No fucking way was he going to lay back and be eaten. He wasn't the helpless victim anymore. This time he could fight back. He patted his leg, running his hand down the handle of his knife. This mouse had teeth.

Metal whispered across cloth as Jack tugged the knife from its sheath. The shine of the blade hypnotized him, gleaming brightly in the light filtering down through the branches. So much more personal than a gun.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

His back to a wide gnarled trunk, he waited, knowing his prey was close. He could smell it – the scent of rodent, alien in the woods.

"I know you're here." The voice came from exactly where Jack expected. How typical of the fool, giving himself away like that. Practically throwing himself to the lions. "Why don't you come out?"

"Why should I?" Even through the dull buzz in his head Jack knew he shouldn't react, but he couldn't help himself, any more than he could help the anger that pulsed inside him.

"I'm not going to hurt you. We're friends. Come on, Jack, come out where we can talk about this." The words were accompanied by the unmistakable sound of a safety being removed.

It was all he could do to not laugh out loud. The idiot really thought he'd fall for that one? He'd always known Maybourne was stupid.

A twig snapped.

Did Harry have others with him? Had he joined his friends to trap Jack? He stayed silent.

"You planned this all along, didn't you, Jack? Right from when I came to you. You changed the coordinates and sent us here. Is it for the reward, is that it?"

Jack shook his head in an effort to shake off the dullness clouding his actions as Harry's voice drilled itself into him.

"Or do you just want me to go away forever? Too many complications? Too many awkward questions? Who was that woman at your house that night, Jack? Someone you need to hide?"

He leapt out, ignoring the weapon pointed straight at his chest. Surprise was everything. Grasping the P90 he pushed it up, deflecting the sudden stream of bullets so they flew harmlessly upward, doing nothing more than dislodging a few leaves. He twisted Harry around, an arm across his chest and a knife against his throat.

"Shut up." It came out as a snarl.

"Was she a pro, Jack? Was that it? The great Jack O'Neill entertaining a hooker? She sure looked like one."

"Don't talk about her like that." The blade drew a line of blood across his enemy's neck. "Don't talk about her at all."

"Why? You ashamed of her? Your taste hasn't improved any over the years – you always did have a penchant for the lower end of the market."

The words flew from the bastard's mouth, dropping heavily to fall on Jack, weighing him down. Everything was weighing him down.

He felt himself slump and pulled up, straightening, tightening his grip on the knife handle.

"She isn't … she's… I …" He couldn't say it. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't say what he needed to. He couldn't defend himself from Harry's words. The numbness left him in a crescendo of agony, knifing through him as effortlessly as if it were his own blade. As he fell, he pressed the knife to Harry's throat, trying to stop the venom from pouring forth. He heard a sharp cry as he dropped, his stomach clenching to retch green vomit onto the forest floor.

Footsteps stumbled away, crashing through the undergrowth with no thought for quiet, but Jack ignored them, able to do nothing but puke out more and more of the vile green muck. His head throbbed with every spasm until he could finally take it no longer and sank to lie completely on the ground, his nose inches from the stinking mess.

There he lay, for what seemed hours, his brain skittering between ideas, his eyes shifting with every tiny movement of the foliage around him. He couldn't move, didn't have the energy, didn't want to. He just couldn't. And gradually the aliens and enemies disappeared, to be replaced by dismay and regret.

Had that been him? A paranoid crazy-man running through the forest, hunting an enemy that wasn't there? Had he really tried to kill Harry? Had he succeeded?

As his mind cleared, the thirst grew, until it became an enemy as great as any he had imagined. He had to get something to drink.

He pushed himself up onto his knees, pausing only to reach for his abandoned knife. Wiping it roughly on a clean patch of grass, he fumbled it back into its sheath before crawling to the nearest tree. With a loud groan, he used its strong trunk to haul himself up, and stood, the spinning almost sending him straight back down again. He didn't allow himself to fall. He needed to move.

Wrinkling his nose at the smell and sight of the pool of vomit, he stayed there for a few minutes, thinking. Then, with determination, he started back toward the ruined village.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The roar of the scout ship's engines broke loudly into the previously silent camp. Jack looked up, watching its underbelly pass over him as it headed for the nearest open space – the field they had arrived in so many days ago. It would be some time before its occupants reached them, and even longer before they could give the injured man any help. He hoped rescue hadn't come too late. There was no way he wanted Maybourne's death on his conscience.

"Don't worry, I don't blame you."

It was as if Harry had read his mind. "What?" He could play dumb with the best of them.

"You didn't have a choice. I was trying to kill you – seriously."

"Like you could have. Wasn't going to happen. No way could you ever get the drop on me, Harry, you just aren't that good."

He was pleased to see a slight smile ghost over the other man's mud smeared face. "Came close though."

"Huh! You don't get points for this." Jack gestured at his bandaged leg. "You set the trap for a pig." Harry grinned and opened his mouth, but Jack interrupted. "Ah – don't even say it, we both know what you're thinking."

Harry's grin widened. "Well, if the cap fits …"

"Oh, ha ha!"

They lapsed into a companionable silence again.

"You know I didn't mean any of it? What I said."

Jack looked down to find Harry staring back at him. "About me wanting to kill you?"

"No." Harry shook his head, grimacing as he did so. "About your friend – the co-worker." Jack could almost see the quotation marks around the words as the other man spoke and he shifted, trying not to react. "What I said – it wasn't right. I don't really think she was – well, you know …"

"A hooker?"

"Yeah. It was just something I knew would upset you – after your reaction back before. I remember thinking it would hurt you if I said it, and so I did." Harry stopped as if waiting, but when Jack didn't speak he carried on. "She looked nice."

"She is." The words almost seemed to say themselves.

"You serious about her?"

"Was." Jack reached out and picked up some stones from the rocky ground at his side. He tossed them in the air and began to juggle. "I was."

"Maybe when you get back you …"

He cut Maybourne's words off. "Yeah, maybe."

"We good?"

That raised a smile. "Good? Us? Never, Harry, never."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Jack was bored. Bored, restless, fidgety, jittery, twitchy, jumpy, had a serious case of ennui. All of the above plus some he couldn't think of. Yep, he was bored. And since when had he become the poster boy for Roget's Thesaurus, anyway?

His feet wandered aimlessly, hands tucked deep into his pockets. Fraiser had pulled him from active status. Oh, he was recovered from the wacky weed he and Harry had nearly killed each other over, at least physically. But he wasn't himself. It wasn't a feeling he could describe to someone, although he'd given it his best shot in a few excruciatingly honest minutes with Doc Fraiser. Hell, he couldn't even explain it to himself.

He was simply off.

He thought about swinging by to visit Harry in the infirmary, but as soon as the idea popped up he dismissed it. Harry would just get on his nerves with questions about when he was getting out of there, if they'd found him a nice little retirement spot and blah, blah. Fraiser was insisting on a week before he could even go to the commissary let alone sending him through the Stargate.

No, seeing Harry was definitely out.

There weren't even any reports to start, revise or finish. The small stack waiting on his desk had taken a mere morning's work to complete, leaving Jack with absolutely nothing to do and who knew how long to do it in.

Hence the boredom. And the random wandering.

"Sir?"

He jumped, putting his back to the wall, hands out in front of him ready to defend himself. Carter took a couple of scrambling steps back at his sudden motion, eyes wide.

"Colonel, are you okay?"

And when the hell had Carter ever been able to sneak up on him? "Yeah, I'm …" He trailed off, hands lowering. "No, actually, I'm not." Whatever she'd been about to say vanished. Jack knew he should have been laughing hysterically at the dumbfounded look on her face. The fact he wasn't shouted louder than any test Fraiser could ever devise.

Recovering quickly, she suggested softly, "Why don't you come on in, sir." She waved one hand at the entrance to her lab all of four feet away. Without waiting for a reply, she walked inside, leaving him alone in the corridor.

Had he been making his way here subconsciously? Had all the random turns not been so random after all? He scrubbed one hand through his hair, paused, then followed.

Carter didn't say a word, just sat down at the large table, drew a folder toward her and started reading. Appreciating the gesture more than he could ever tell her, he continued his meandering, this time all around the lab. He kept his hands firmly in his pockets to avoid touching anything and fiddling. With his mood, something was bound to get broken. The only sound in the concrete box was the soft rustling of papers and Jack's quiet tread, back and forth.

"Carter," he started, then cut himself off, never stopping the restless pacing. She didn't look up, but Jack knew she was listening intently. While he and Carter didn't sit down and have heart to heart discussions – okay, he didn't have heart to heart discussions with anyone – she was still a good friend, one he could rely on to give him honest answers, all ranks aside. Swallowing down the pulse filling his throat, he forced the words out, still unsure where this trip was taking him. "Have you ever done something, said something, and wished you hadn't?" Well wasn't that the most articulate question he'd ever uttered.

Thankfully, she didn't seem inclined to call him on it. "Yes, I have, sir."

"What'd you do when you figured out how stupid you'd been?" He ignored the idle thought that Carter had never had a stupid moment in her life.

"You mean after I was done kicking myself?"

Suddenly, he could feel her eyes on him, following his every movement. "Yeah, after the kicking part."

"I had to decide whether it was something I wanted to let go and forget about." She set the folder aside, still watching him. "Or if it was worth the pain of admitting I was wrong."

In the space of one sentence it wasn't just an arbitrary question anymore. It was as if Carter had gotten out her microscope and focused in on his life. She'd only left out one thing, as far as Jack could tell – was it worth the pain of rejection if he was too late? But he didn't speak, just nodded, still avoiding her gaze. The hush of the lab seeped into his bones, mingling with the heaviness that had taken residence there over the past year. Harry had hit the nail on the head without knowing it. He'd said he'd chosen his insults knowing they'd hurt. And boy, had he been right. Jack had leapt headfirst against them, without the slightest thought. He'd admitted to Fraiser, and himself, that something was wrong with him, something that hadn't healed since his time spent in Ba'al's tender care.

Maybe it was finally time he stopped pretending it was a something and acknowledged it was actually a someone. Hell, Carter had all but come right out and said it for him.

Hands gripped his arms, startling him out of his thoughts and into a standstill. He looked down into blue eyes filled with friendship, caring and understanding. Shying away from the knowledge he saw there, a truth he didn't think he was ready to accept, he stepped back, towards the door and the safety of mindless motion.

"Sir," Carter called after him, her voice quiet. It wasn't the tone, but the words themselves that stopped him in his tracks. "Everything you're thinking right now? She needs to hear. You can't decide for her."

A shudder worked its way over his spine, tingling down to his feet. And that's exactly what he was afraid of. If he saw her, talked with her, he'd be forced to make a decision and to live with hers. Even if they didn't match up.

Unable to speak, unable to turn to face Carter and her knowing eyes, Jack simply nodded. He'd heard her. Now he just had to figure out if he was strong enough to do something about it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Well, this was uncomfortable.

Jack shifted in the chair, his feelings of nervousness translating into a desire to squirm like a three year old.

"What can I do for you, Colonel?" The general's eyes seemed to see straight through him. What was it about this particular senior officer that was different from all the others over the years? He never could put anything over on Hammond – the man saw through him without any effort whatsoever. Now was a perfect case in point. He could almost hear the cogs turning in the man's brain, and Jack had no doubt he was coming up with exactly the right answers.

Now the question was how to get permission to go offworld when Fraiser would barely let him out of her sight. Maybe he'd been too hasty in admitting how off-color he felt.

Deciding the best defence was a good offense, Jack took the bull by the horns. Might as well come right out ask. "I'm requesting permission to take leave offworld, sir. On P7X-994."

Hammond's brows furrowed for a second and Jack knew he was mentally sifting through the various gate addresses. His face cleared when he came up with the answer. "The Tok'ra base? What possible reason would you have to visit the Tok'ra base, especially given Dr. Fraiser's latest reports on your health?"

"There's nothing wrong with me, sir." Jack's hands took on a life of their own, gesturing wildly. "Not really. Nothing to stop me going through the gate."

"You're saying Dr. Fraiser is wrong?"

Crap. Shaking his head, Jack began back-pedalling. "Ah, not, of course not, General. It's just that I may have overstated the extent of the problem."

"Do I understand you correctly, Colonel? You lied to the doctor?" Hammond was glowering at him now – not a pretty sight.

"No! No – but I've worked out what's wrong, and the cure – at least I hope it's a cure – and …" He'd become a babbling idiot.

"And the cure is on the Tok'ra base?"

Jack nodded, relief flooding him. At last!

Hammond reached out, his hand on the telephone. "Then I better get Dr. Fraiser up here. I'm sure she'll want to go with you." He paused his motions, hand suspended in mid-air. "And she'll be particularly interested in how you came to find this miraculous cure while wandering the corridors of the SGC."

Damn it all! Why could nothing go his way just once? Jack swallowed and looked the general straight in the eye. "I need to see Freya, sir. Alone." The urge to squirm vanished.

General Hammond's lips twitched, widening into a smile. "About time you worked it out, son. Permission granted."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Chevron five encoded."

Walter's voice blared from the speakers, echoing off the concrete walls of the 'Gate room. The inner disc spun noisily, metal grating on metal before grinding to a halt at the correct symbol.

"Chevron six encoded."

Shifting his duffel bag higher up onto his shoulder, Jack tried to ignore the nausea curling his gut. He hadn't been this nervous on his first trip through the gate to Abydos. He ran a hand over his face, then scowled down at the offending limb. He was actually shaking. Fisting the hand tight, he turned to look up into the control room.

Everyone was there. Hammond, Teal'c, Carter, Jonas, even Fraiser. Their obvious display of support should have made him feel self-conscious, uncomfortable at a minimum, but he couldn't dredge up a hint of uneasiness about it. If everything went south in a hurry, at least he had his teammates to come back to. For someone who held his personal life under very tight wraps Jack sure had a lot of people interested in the outcome of this trip.

"Chevron seven locked."

The familiar outsplash of the event horizon had a slightly ominous tinge to its sound, one Jack told himself he was imagining.

"We'll see you in a week, Colonel," Hammond called, his face showing nothing but confidence.

Wishing he felt half as sure of himself, Jack waved a nonchalant salute with the hand he'd just been glaring into submission. There was no turning back now. Steeling himself with a deeply indrawn breath, he flattened the butterflies in his stomach and walked up the ramp. His hand stole into his pocket on its own, fingering the stones he'd picked up while waiting with Harry for their rescue.

It was time to start juggling.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

A Slow Melding - Part 12

* * *

He couldn't take his eyes off her.

Freya stood with her back to him, her head bowed low over a readout of some kind laid out on the table. The comfortable trousers she preferred to wear at her home base were a dark brown while the sleeveless tunic he'd admired a lifetime ago was a light cream. One hand came up to absently tuck a lock of hair behind an ear and something inside his chest snapped at the familiar gesture. He must have made some kind of noise because she straightened instantly, spine locked upright.

"Hey." While it wasn't the most cunning thing he'd ever said, it was all he could manage.

Whirling around, she stumbled against the table, one hand reaching out for support. Her eyes met his, wide and uncertain as he dropped the duffel at his feet in the doorway. "Jack." He had to admit it, his pulse leapt at hearing his name from her lips. "How did you get down-" she cut herself off, obviously rethinking her question. After a brief pause and a deep breath she continued. "What are you doing here? Is there an emergency of some kind?"

"Malek," he answered, even though she hadn't finished asking. "He brought me down. And no. No emergency. No apocalypse." He smiled ruefully. "No System Lord. Just one particularly thick headed Tau'ri." Was he imagining the unsteadiness in her voice? He took a couple of steps into the room, halting quickly when Freya visibly tensed. "I promise you, I'm not here to yell." He hadn't meant to whisper it, but the trepidation underneath the confident mask she wore yanked at his gut.

Pushing away from the table, she crossed her arms over her chest. The muscles of her upper arms stood out starkly against the material of her tunic. They hadn't been that prominent the last time he'd seen her. Nor had her cheekbones been so high in her face. Freya had lost a lot of weight – weight she didn't have to lose. Jacob had tried to tell him, but he'd refused to listen. His hands itched to hold her, to soothe the lines from between her eyes. Shoving them into his pockets instead, he let out a deep breath.

"What are you doing here then?"

He couldn't blame her for being suspicious. He'd torn into her ruthlessly, without hesitation the last time they'd been in the same room. "I just came to talk." Now that he'd seen her, could smell the subtle fragrance that was uniquely Freya, every doubt in his brain melted away. He missed her. The warmth of her body against his, the heady sensations she drew out of him, yeah, they were a nice bonus. But he missed her. No, he missed them both. Anise's quiet, quirky humor, Freya's soft smiles and even gentler touches, the way they both helped him to look at everyday things in a new way. They were why he couldn't settle, why he'd never felt right after returning from Ba'al. He'd been missing a part of himself. Now, seeing the damage he'd unknowingly inflicted on them, he rephrased his answer carefully. "I was hoping we could talk." Making himself hold her gaze and keep his mouth shut was one of the hardest things he'd had to do in a long time. But he had to give her the chance to make up her own mind. Carter had been right about all of it.

"I will listen to what you have to say." Her stance didn't alter a millimeter, didn't give any encouragement. Jack ploughed on anyway.

"I've never been very good at placing blame correctly. Sometimes I get so trapped in the black and white of things I can't see the grey." He'd hoped to be able to say it all while meeting her steady gaze, but he had to move, had to burn off some of the nerves doing their best to crawl out of his chest. "When Kanan stole my body and left me to clean up his mess, I had no one to focus my anger on. He took that from me. And then there you were – the perfect target." His voice turned bitter, eyes looking around the room yet seeing a golden chamber with a horizontal grate filling one end. "One Tok'ra had hand delivered me to Ba'al, confirming everything I'd ever thought about you guys. It wasn't that far of a jump to believe the worst of you."

"We are not Goa'uld."

"I know that. Now." The pause was deliberate. He turned to face her, his meager hope for them dying at the stiff, almost offended expression she wore. "Look, I'm not making excuses. I am who I am. You knew that going in. I told you I was no good at relationships."

The ice melted just a little. "I thought you were doing fine until …"

Until he'd screwed it all up, he finished for her. At least she was kind enough not to say it aloud. What had he been thinking, coming to see her? This little trip down memory lane was doing neither of them any good. It was time to salvage what pride he could and get the hell gone. "We never did stand a chance, did we?"

"There were many obstacles between us even before Kanan's actions that night. At the time we, Anise and I, believed the risk merited the potential harm. These past months have shown us it would have been better leaving well enough alone." She still hadn't moved, her hands gripping so tight on her arms he could see the white knuckles.

"Yeah." Time to go, Jack. But he couldn't leave without finishing. He needed to say all of it. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I was wrong." And they deserved to hear it from his lips, no matter the final outcome. "For what it's worth, I love you." When she didn't respond, he smiled softly, a slight uplifting of the corners of his lips. The silence grew louder, shimmering between them. He had his answer. "Goodbye, Freya. Goodbye, Anise." Unable to torture himself with the sight of her any longer, he walked back to the door and grabbed his duffel. There were plenty of good camping sites on this rock. Or maybe he could get Thor to pick him up for a vacation. He had a long, excruciatingly solitary week ahead of him.

His chest ached, pulling painfully as he slung the bag over his shoulder. A week to get himself back together. Yeah, that was more than enough time. And then he could get on with his life.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She stared blindly out the door long after Jack had disappeared from sight. Her heart pounded against her ribs, filling her body with its rhythm.

What have you done? Anise's voice was almost panicked. Did we not want to see him again? To tell him how much we cared about him? The dazed paralysis her symbiote had fallen into the moment they had sensed Jack was nearby was gone without a trace.

I thought that was what I wanted. And then I saw him, she answered numbly, wishing she could feel as dead as she sounded. It hurt even more than the past months added together. You had to feel it as well.

I did, but… She stopped and Freya could only close her eyes and try to breathe through the tightness squeezing across her ribs. Did you not hear him? He loves you.

Stop, please, she begged her symbiote. This is difficult enough without you adding to my misery.

Why must it be misery? He came here after all this time to speak with you. Are we going to throw this chance away?

Anise's agitated voice pounded into her brain. Why did she not understand? You heard him as well as I – it was never going to work between us.

Perhaps he said all of it because we gave him no sign of encouragement. Freya could not answer, wrapped in an agony she had not felt since Jack's return to the Tau'ri. Her voice dropping to a whisper, Anise continued. When have we ever been too spiritless to attempt the impossible? Have we not learned in our years together that even if something is painful it is not the reason to give up?

Freya pressed a shaking hand to her mouth, the cold of her fingers searing. Are you sure? What if something happens again?

What if something does not?

She was through the door mere seconds after Anise's well-placed point. What if would plague them the rest of their very long lives if she did not try. Running through the corridor towards the transportation rings, Freya ignored the startled looks from her fellow Tok'ra. She was not one known for mad rushes through the complex. Rounding one final turn, she was there. Jack stood before the rings, bag on one shoulder, his back to her. Gulping in a breath, she did not wait to close the distance to him.

"You hurt us."

At the sound of her voice his entire body stiffened, but he did not turn. "Yes, I did."

"I do not know if I could live through that again." The closer she moved the more tense he seemed to become.

"That's why I'm leaving. We both know I'll do something stupid inside of a week. Hell, I'll probably screw something up in the next hour."

She wished he would turn around so she could see his face. He sounded so very bitter, but underneath was a weariness she had never heard from him. "Did you mean what you said?"

The very air froze between them until Jack quietly broke the silence. "Every word."

Her mouth opened but no sound would escape. She could not move, could not even breathe. Anise, she asked, almost begging her symbiote to take over. With a gentle brush of comfort Freya felt all the way into her bones, she did.

"Please do not leave, Jack."

Finally, he turned to face them. He set the large bag safely out of the way of the rings and stepped off the raised area. "Anise," he said, wincing slightly. "You've got even more right than Freya to be pissed at me."

"I do." Freya nearly choked. Trust me, Anise assured before returning her attention to the man standing stiffly in front of them. "Since my first blending I have been fighting the Goa'uld. I had sacrificed all personal concerns to dedicate myself to their eradication." She held up one hand to halt the words already forming. "Your accusations cut deeply. But, in a way, eventually, I did understand them."

"I didn't even understand them. I was out of my mind."

Freya huddled within her own mind, mental arms wrapped around her stomach. Wishing the shaking of her body would cease, she could only listen, mute, as her symbiote attempted to save their future.

"When Freya insisted that I give you a chance, that you were more than you pretended, so many months ago, I had no concept of what love was." She took a small step closer, eyes never leaving Jack's. "I have since learned that love is multifaceted, holding both joy and pain."

A sardonic smile covered his face. "Sometimes there's just a little too much pain involved."

"But without the one how can we appreciate the other?" When he did not answer, she swiftly closed the distance between them and gripped his arms to stop him from backing away. "We have each had our fill of pain. Is it not time for the joy?"

His face twisted as he avoided her eyes. However, he did not retreat. "Between my big mouth and the price on my head, I'm not too sure there's a lot of that sitting around."

"There is enough." Reaching up, she cupped his jaw in one hand, bringing his eyes to meet hers. "Freya loves you. I love you." She could feel the shudder as it passed through his body.

"What about the practical stuff? How would we work it?" His voice was agitated, the words tripping over themselves. "We live on different planets, for crying out loud. I'm not leaving the SGC and I won't ask you to leave your work here. We really do have separate lives."

"If you love us, none of that matters."

Freya was stunned at Anise's simple words. She had erased every objection and sifted it all down to the most basic of concepts. Jack's jaw clenched under her fingers, the frown deepening the lines in his forehead.

Then suddenly it was gone, replaced by a wry smile that lit up both his face and eyes. "You know, most guys tend to fall in love with only one woman at a time."

"But you have never been one to do anything the easy way." It was not a question. The tight band that had wrapped itself around Freya's chest dissolved as Jack's smile grew. All the pain, all the long, lonely months simply faded into the past. Jack was right there in front of them and they were not going to let him go this time.

Anise's eyes squeezed shut when he gathered her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest. A burning sensation tickled the back of Freya's throat. She could feel Jack bury his face in the juncture of her neck, his breath teasing over her skin. Returning the embrace holding nothing back, Freya shared her symbiote's pleasure in the sensation of his heart beating steadily against her.

Freya could not say who moved first, but Jack's lips were suddenly on hers, igniting every cell in her body. Sending her tongue seeking, she found his waiting and she revelled in the quiet growl that emerged from his throat. The sound shivered along her spine and settled deep inside.

Slightly out of breath, he rested his forehead on hers, eyes closed. "I'm going to hate myself for this later, but am I going to wake up here tomorrow?"

Surprising both of them, Anise laughed, a full-bodied sound of mirth that brought an answering smile to Jack's lips. "Do not concern yourself on that account." She leaned forward to kiss him again. "This time, I will secure the door."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Where were the napkins? He was sure he had napkins. Suddenly the lack of napkins became a problem of epic proportions as Jack rifled hurriedly through the kitchen drawers.

And plates. They should have plates.

"Can I help?"

Jack gave a startled yelp, shoving the mess of utensils back into the drawer before turning. "No, no, it's okay. I've got everything organized." He pushed the still open drawer and winced as a cracking sound snapped through the air.

"So it would seem."

Freya's small, tentative smile of understanding made the lack of napkins fade into insignificance. Was she as nervous as he was? She hadn't seemed to be, but if anyone knew how appearances could be deceiving it was Jack.

He opened his arms wide in invitation. "Come here." As she snuggled into his embrace, he buried his nose in her hair, gently sniffing in the subtle scent of his very own shampoo. "Relax. It'll be fine. You'll see."

"I will relax if you will." He could feel her lips move against his chest and knew she was smiling. Stepping back just a tiny amount, he tucked a finger under her chin, lifted it, and captured her lips with his. He meant for it to be a quick, even chaste kiss, but as soon as he felt the warmth of her, chaste and quick were the last things on his mind.

"Whoops, sorry sir."

Crap! Well, that was one way to make the situation perfectly clear to his team. He finished the kiss before answering, eyes never leaving Freya's . "No problem, Carter. Could you grab some plates?"

"Sure." There was a pause as Carter stared at the stack of dishes. Jack knew she was comparing them to their usual plastic plates, but she didn't say anything, just took them with a smile and headed back to the living room.

Freya moved out of the circle of his arms. "Shall I take in some beer?"

"That would be good. Jonas and I will be the only ones drinking it though. There's a bottle of white wine for Carter and Teal'c will have a juice." He gestured vaguely at the refrigerator. "You can help yourself to whatever you want."

"I would like to try beer. If that is all right?"

"You sure?"

She nodded, a slight blush rising in her cheeks, only to vanish within seconds. "We feel the need for some extra courage."

"We? I didn't think Anise was afraid of anything."

"Then you thought wrongly, Jack." Anise's voice was low, as if afraid of being heard. "I find myself as nervous as Freya."

"Like I said before, relax, it'll be fine." He took the few short steps to her side and gathered her in to repeat the kiss he had given her host just a minute before.

"The pizza's here … whoops, sorry again, sir!"

Tomorrow he was installing a door with a lock between the living room and the kitchen.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Do you have any plans for the next few days, Colonel? I was thinking, if you and Freya wanted to that is, that we could take in a movie," Jonas suggested, stopping halfway through putting on his jacket.

Teal'c nodded, a tiny glimpse of a smile crossing his face. "There is a special showing at present. It is the twentieth anniversary of the movie 'E.T.'. I greatly desire to see this film on the 'big screen'."

Oh joy – Jack could imagine the questions that particular film would raise, especially with not one, but counting both Freya and Anise, four real aliens in the audience! All he needed was Thor to join the party and he would have a complete set. He could see Carter trying to conceal a grin.

"What do you think, Major?"

Yes, that was definitely a snigger that escaped before she answered. "That sounds good, sir. Should be fun."

"Fun. Yes." He fixed his unhelpful teammate with a stare, but she just smiled back, all innocence. "How about I call you guys in a day or two? We can decide then."

"I would be very interested in going to the cinema. It is like television, but larger, is it not?"

Jonas finally moved forward and stopped blocking the doorway. He nodded enthusiastically as he stepped down on to the path. "Except you sit in the dark and eat popcorn."

"And on that note, I think we should leave." Carter gave Jonas a not so gentle push to start him moving, then turned back to smile at Freya. "I had a really good time tonight."

"As did I, Major Carter."

"Sam. Please call me Sam."

Freya nodded, a pleased smile lifting her lips. "Sam."

"The evening was indeed a pleasant one. I too thank you both."

"Thanks, T." Jack took a step outside, shivering a little in the night air. "I'll walk you to the car." He gave Freya's hand a quick squeeze before dropping it. "You stay here, it's pretty cold, and I'll only be a second."

There was very little moonlight but the streetlight gave enough illumination to guide them to Carter's vehicle. Jack waited until they had all gotten in before leaning into the still open driver's door. "Thanks for coming, guys. I really do appreciate it."

"We were pleased to do so, O'Neill."

Carter followed Teal'c's comment quickly. "It was good to talk to Freya, sir. I haven't really had a chance to get to know her before. She's good company."

With a glance at the open doorway, he nodded. "Yes, she is." He stepped back and tapped lightly on the car roof. "See ya later. Drive carefully." There was a chorus of goodbyes, mainly directed at where Freya stood silhouetted in the light from the hallway. Jack was already almost back in the house before the car was turning the corner at the end of the street.

"You are cold."

"It's a bit chilly out." He closed the door and reached forward to take her hand. "Was it really okay – tonight I mean?"

"Of course." The pleasure was evident in her smile. "Your friends are exceptionally nice. I had a very good time."

"And it's about to get better." Jack knew he was smirking, but he couldn't help it – anticipation was growing in him with every second he looked into her eyes. He raised the hand held in his to place a kiss on her palm.

"You should get warmed up. It would not do for you to catch a cold." There was an answering gleam as Freya's eyes met his.

"And just how do you suggest I do that?"

"We may have an idea or two," Anise answered, her arms reaching out for him, the smile she saved only for him lighting her face. "But they all require demonstration." Jack let them lead him toward the bedroom, his pulse picking up speed. As he was pushed firmly onto the bed and soft hands began unbuttoning his shirt, their eyes flashed briefly in the surrounding darkness.

He sucked in a sharp breath at the reminder that there were two beings here with him – two beings he loved equally and that loved him back just as fiercely.

Two beings, here, with him. In his bed.

Sweet!

His grin lasted only as long as it took them to divest him of his shirt.

He'd been right all along – he didn't deserve them.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

fini

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to let us know what you thought of the end. Thanks for reading.

Eleri & Flatkatsi


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